Monday, December 11, 2006

I just finished reading "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. What a beautiful story...i was in tears for parts of it. It is a modern day reading of the book of Hosea. Rivers had such a powerful way of developing both the character of the prostitute and the man who comes to be her husband. You cannot help but empathize with both characters so readily. It reminded me and also taught me all over again about the amazing, sacrificial love of Chirst and his Father. I have been struggling with my faith the last couple of years, and I found this story a refreshing reminder that even when I stray, even when I run, even when I betray my Father - He will always remain faithful. He cannot deny Himself, even when I do. He loves me with a love that is unending and so passionate, that only a marriage where two people are passionately in love and committed can even begin to emulate. The example of the marriage between the prostitute and the husband was so touching, it left me aching to have my marriage be that honest, that vulnerable and passionate. I let me fears and pride get in the way far too often. I hate it. I have been asking the Lord for more faith lately, and now I feel led to give up even more of myself in order to become closer to this passionate love that He has for me. I must not make anyone else my god. Only my Father. He alone can demonstrate the love that I must show to my husband.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

what next?

i find myself always wondering what is supposed to happen next. This is why I keep myself so busy...always doing something, whether it is work, socializing, playing, singing, teaching...something to occupy my thoughts and keep my mind out of trouble. I find that when I have time alone to think, I have a tendency to despair. At least, these last few months have been this way. That's actually the reason i created this blog - as an outlet for my thoughts and, hopefully a way to get all of this out of me and allow me to talk to my Father more frequently. Why would I despair, you might ask. I ask myself the same thing. I have a great husband, a job that pays well that is in the field I studied, friends and family that are in the area that I see frequently. Life is good, and I do know that I have been blessed. The reason I get down is because I struggle to trust God to give me my dream. In my title, I explain that I believe He has a dream, a gift that He gives each one of us. Mine is to sing. I want to perform in some way, to the glory of my Father in heaven. However, the opportunities are not presenting themselves as readily as I could wish. I am teaching elementary music in a beautiful town on the NorthShore, and the kids are kids, but they are also a joy to my everyday humdrum. I do believe that God has me here for a reason...but I also believe that He has given me a dream and a desire to perform. I want to pursue that in the near future, but for now I am waiting on His leading. I am doing all I can to set things up...and then I wait for the opportunities. Sometimes I'm not sure this is the right thing to do. I don't want to despair that my dream may never be realized...I want to trust that God will give opportunities if I am faithful to hone my gift. But it is hard when I am in a job that is musically unfulfilling. the students are a joy...the job is mundane. They are learning, and that makes me happy...I want to see the next generation learn to read music...especially in a day when so many programs are being cut and the arts are less of a priority than ever in our country. But i can't shake the dream. It is a hard lesson to learn to trust, work hard, and wait.