Wednesday, November 01, 2006

what next?

i find myself always wondering what is supposed to happen next. This is why I keep myself so busy...always doing something, whether it is work, socializing, playing, singing, teaching...something to occupy my thoughts and keep my mind out of trouble. I find that when I have time alone to think, I have a tendency to despair. At least, these last few months have been this way. That's actually the reason i created this blog - as an outlet for my thoughts and, hopefully a way to get all of this out of me and allow me to talk to my Father more frequently. Why would I despair, you might ask. I ask myself the same thing. I have a great husband, a job that pays well that is in the field I studied, friends and family that are in the area that I see frequently. Life is good, and I do know that I have been blessed. The reason I get down is because I struggle to trust God to give me my dream. In my title, I explain that I believe He has a dream, a gift that He gives each one of us. Mine is to sing. I want to perform in some way, to the glory of my Father in heaven. However, the opportunities are not presenting themselves as readily as I could wish. I am teaching elementary music in a beautiful town on the NorthShore, and the kids are kids, but they are also a joy to my everyday humdrum. I do believe that God has me here for a reason...but I also believe that He has given me a dream and a desire to perform. I want to pursue that in the near future, but for now I am waiting on His leading. I am doing all I can to set things up...and then I wait for the opportunities. Sometimes I'm not sure this is the right thing to do. I don't want to despair that my dream may never be realized...I want to trust that God will give opportunities if I am faithful to hone my gift. But it is hard when I am in a job that is musically unfulfilling. the students are a joy...the job is mundane. They are learning, and that makes me happy...I want to see the next generation learn to read music...especially in a day when so many programs are being cut and the arts are less of a priority than ever in our country. But i can't shake the dream. It is a hard lesson to learn to trust, work hard, and wait.