Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I heard this on the radio the other day http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Fe11OlMiz8 and just found it on YouTube. Watch it and grin. "StrightNoChaser" is the group...fun name too.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

get healthy already!

I am trying to be healthier...not only to lose weight and feel better, but to be a more productive person. The last few years I have been struggling with extreme tiredness, which is a combination of having had a horrible case of mono, being pregnant, and then having a newborn. But, although I am not noticeably tired lately, I do think that I am technically still sleep-deprived and acting not at capacity. So, I have been trying to get to sleep earlier.

I have also started taking vitamins. I have never done this in my life except when I was a little girl and had to take the Flintstone vitamins and I hated the grape flavored ones and threw them behind my mother's couch. But, now I am taking the huge women's daily supplement ones and think I am actually noticing a difference.

Also, I have been doing Pilates. Never done that before either, but I hope to make my core back and stomach muscles stronger from this endeavor. It is not relaxing like I'd hoped, but I do feel like I've done something.

And...last but not least, I have been trying to eat all the colors of the rainbow every day. So far, that is still a pretty lofty aspiration, but it is the current thing that I am trying to form into a habit.

The end. Hopefully I will become a less grumpy person in the pursuit of these healthy lifestyle changes.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


Teaching is going MUCH better. So much better, in fact, that I now no longer dread having any classes. The "testing" period is over; the children have decided to accept me; I have decided to not eat them for breakfast. :)

There are still the "noodgie" students, as I like to call them. That's a nicer term than I would actually like to use. But, I have started to make some good observations of the motives behind the noodgie behavior which in turn helps me take an appropriate consequence when they act out. Most of the children acting out at this point simply want attention, and these children want attention because I know for a fact that people at home are either too busy (for good reasons or for other reasons) or uncaring. So, it's easy to feel pity and give grace, but these children also need boundaries and tough love. So, at this point, I am trying to be as firm and kind as I can without giving in to their shenanigans. Not as easy as it sounds.

Especially because these 2 kids I have been referring to are absolutely hilarious. No joke. I would be laughing out loud if I knew they could handle it.

So, it is a Wednesday, and I am halfway through my school day and almost done with my work week. I have gotten through the tougher classes and now only have a wonderful kindergarten class that does anything I say and a fun Second Grade class that is always entertaining and productive.

So, at the moment, life is pretty grand and I feel blessed by God to be in this time of my life with a steady job, wonderful family and friends, and kids to help me laugh through the stressful moments.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

My first audition in a very long while

Starting the audition process is intimidating, but rewarding. I have auditioned for a small opera company in W., Ma, and just heard back from them that they will not be using me for their upcoming shows. But, on the upside, they sent me a personal email saying that they really enjoyed hearing me, let me know that I was "seriously considered" and if someone ends up dropping out, they will give me a call. So, there is a chance I could still be used. They encouraged me to audition again in the future. So, I think that is an encouragement. I know I have a lot to work on, and I don't think that was the best audition I've even done, so for them to still be pleased for the most part is a good sign. I will press on. I would like to audition for the BSR general auditions next, so that will be the next focus until something else presents itself. At least I made an effort!

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

holy $%&*

teaching can be so crazy...one class can be absolutely wonderful, the next class can be horrific. I swear it has to do with the moon. I am doing everything in my power to make my music classes educational and fun at the same time, but there are some kids that are continuing to act out. It is not fair to the kids that are behaving exactly as they should that I need to stop and address the class the entire time. There are other things that I got used to having in my old classroom that are not here in this new classroom...that makes it difficult. I am trying to stay positive, but I just spent the whole day, with the exception of two classes being bombasted with students being disrespectful and making the entire class unpleasant for all. I feel like a failure.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

home again

It's been a while. Life has been slightly (no, more than that) hectic lately, with many things to adjust to, the most glaring one being my NEW JOB!!

Yes, I am in love with a new district. This elementary school is on top of things, helpful, friendly, and has given me my own music room even though I only teaching 2 1/2 days. Oh, yeah, did I mention that? 2 1/2 days only. That's right, I have my new dream job. Or as close as I can get to it at the moment. I am teaching mostly 3rd and 4th grades, and a couple 2nd and a couple Kindergarten classes, which I am alternately scared about and excited about because I've never taught that age. This district has other music teachers in the district that want to collaborate and get to know other districts to find out how we can be better. We actually have meetings together and I know their names and personalities. It is wonderful to feel like I have a team.

On the other hand, I am not used to all the responsibility that comes with being expected to follow up on your own stuff. Because they actually care about me as a teacher, there is no getting away with "Oh, I didn't know about that," or "I didn't receive that notice," because I did receive it, and am included in everything. I am not ignored as a common babysitter utilized for prep time for real teachers, but am seen as a competent music teacher of my own right who has important things to teach the next generation.

Oh, and I have been given my own laptop.

And a projection screen in my room.

Other updates? Jeremiah turned 1 year old in the past couple weeks, and he is becoming more of a charmer than ever. We recently took a plane ride to Seattle - yes, that was not the ideal way to spend a long Labor Day weekend, but at least my family got to meet the little guy. Actually, Jer did fine on the plane, but it was still us trying to take a 1 year old on an 8 hour plane ride with layovers. People were great about him needing to move around, accidently pulling their hair (if they were lucky enough to be sitting in front of us), shouting to hear how he sounded in the long, echoing terminals...etc. But, needless to say, in addition to having jet lag, Jon and I were exhausted from the endeavor. And we have to do it again in March, then again in August for 2 weddings. I don't know if that will actually happen, we'll see.

Life is good...the trip to Seattle made me really appreciate what we have here in our little family away from it all. I love them there, but the makeup of the house was a little frantic for me. And cluttered. I am definitely becoming a little neurotic about clutter in my space. (Jon right now would be saying, "a little?")

Anyway, it is good to be home. I am only 3 days into my new job, and still getting used to things, but so far, it's great. I have really missed teaching the youngun's. :) I didn't think I would. I guess Mr. Manseau was right about suggesting I go into teaching music.

My room.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Updates / Musings:

- Have gotten headshots done. Have not done any auditions with them yet, because I am too nervous. Stupid reason.

- Next, need to find a place to practice consistently and get my audition arias in gear. Then, make an audition cd.

- Jeremiah is almost walking! this is craziness...when did all this happen? where is my baby going?

- had to report a guy in the office I work with to HR so he would leave me alone. that was/is disconcerting because I still see him every day I work there.

- My husband and I finished the 3rd season of Lost and are trying to find a way to watch the 4th season before the 5th season starts. Totally addicted.

- I am excited to begin teaching in the fall...part-time, no less! every time I remember that I only work 2 1/2 days I get very happy.

- Jon and I are going to make our finances on our own (no loans from family, or cash from creditors) for the first time since snow stopped falling. God is good.

- have to go to a funeral on friday. Didn't know the woman very well, but she was part of our church. It will most likely be an open casket. Don't know what to think about that.

- I think I like Feierabend. If you don't know who or what that is, you're not an elementary music educator, but i won't hold that against you. ;)

- i have a great surprise for someone that i can't mention, even though I kinda just did...it's really hard to keep it a secret!

- My little family is going to travel up to Seattle for Labor Day weekend to visit the extended family and have them meet Jeremiah. 7 hours on a plane ride with a 1 year old? Wake me when it's over.

- I am trying to not gain back the weight I lost while nursing, but this is hard. I have to actually run...i guess it's good for me.

Friday, July 25, 2008

a comrad!

"...The busier my life, the more I crave space. Not just physical space where I can be alone for a while, but mental space where I can form complete thoughts, create new dreams, contemplate broad ideas. Yet any extra room in my head seems filled with mental Post-it notes about dental appointments and phone calls I have to make, lists of items I need from Target, and the vague feeling I missed someone’s birthday.

Of all the various kinds of busyness, this overflowing brain busyness is the hardest for me to handle. It makes me feel overwhelmed, even when nothing overwhelming is going on. I can be washing dishes or driving my car or trying to find my glasses and feel totally stressed out because my brain is running at 800 miles per hour. And if some poor soul chooses that particular moment to ask me a question, he gets a response that’s not only snappish, but probably sarcastic and completely unhelpful..."

I found this on a fellow blogger's website, and that is precisely how I've been feeling lately. I probably couldn't have put it any clearer. And I only have one kid! My husband wants four...oy. I know they will be blessings, but there will also be a lot of nights with glasses of wine to drink to calm my worried brain. :)

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

mud on your face

Do you ever have moments when you are so ashamed of who you were in a past moment? When you realize how wretchedly prideful and pompous you were, thinking that others around you didn't have a clue how much better you were at something than they were?

My whole life I've tried to love people where they are at, and couldn't understand how other friends of mine could be so judgmental, so "narrow-minded" - classifying people into categories and sub-categories and writing them off without ever trying to get to know them better. I was not one of those people.

Or so I thought. Looking back, I was, but, of course, in my own way. I was just as judgmental of people, but chose to not be so overt about it. That makes it even worse.

And, not only that, but I have gotten much worse over the years. I find myself thinking, "That guy is just a pig," or "she's only out to help herself all the time, there's no room for her to think of my needs." How RIDICULOUSLY absurd. I am beyond disgusted.

I get upset that people at work treat me a certain way, when they have no idea who I really am or what I am about, and then I turn around and live my life in such a way that other people have the problem and can never change. What brought about this criticism and pride? Who am I to think these things? I am no better than anyone I know.

I know many people who have told me they struggle with this very issue. Loving people and not criticizing unnecessarily, because you don't know their life. I usually had a hard time relating. I guess I've become more hardened than I realized.

To all those who I have judged, I'm sorry. You are worth more than rubies and loved beyond the moon by our Lord and Savior. I have been content to look down my muddy nose at all of you while not realizing how stupid I must have looked. I pray you didn't realize or notice, but if you did (and even if you didn't), please forgive me. I have proven myself to be a fool in need of grace.

God is (thankfully) still working. I pray He never stops.

Friday, July 18, 2008

joy like a fountain?

"Joy is the serious business of heaven." - C.S. Lewis

Joy is such an abused term. It is equated with happiness. It is thought of in terms of spilling over with excitement. To go to the other extreme, it's a dish detergent - as in, 'washing these dishes with this detergent brings me joy'...yeah! right. So, what is joy? What does it look like, smell like, sound like, feel like? Is it only a feeling? Is it something that happens spontaneously, or is it like love or contentment - you start out with the feeling and then have to choose it to keep it going? How do you get joy? Is it a gift from God? Can you be joyful despite being in a horrible situation?

It's heaven's business to be joyful. Does that mean that it's like a job that they take seriously? That doesn't make sense. I've always thought of joy as being a spontaneous reaction to circumstance...but in recent years, I've started to think that's probably more happiness. But...I do think happiness plays a role in joy. The difference may lie in the will. I think it is more like love, where you have to choose to have it. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience..." etc. SO...if it's a fruit, it can be cultivated - grown. Maybe, as children, we find it so easy to have joy, because life's burdens have yet to be thrust upon us, at least for most children. As you get older, you find it harder to love, harder to trust, harder to give of yourself because of the hurt and heartache that is inevitably encountered in a sinful world. The capacity to have joy becomes harder and harder...even for supposedly "loving" and "peaceful" Christians. I know I've become hardened over the years...not fun to realize, but nonetheless, it is there. So, how does one capture joy?

I don't know enough about anything to be giving advice, much less spiritual advice on anything. But, this blog, while being a spot to catalog my pursuing of a dream, is also becoming a place to muse on what I should be as a child of God. What I am in insufficient and flawed in so many ways, and I want to be better. I want to love without condition, without selfish motive, and without fear. It seems to me, that if this "fruit" gets cultivated, then joy will follow. "Perfect love drives out fear." If that is so, and it's in the Word, then if fear is gone, it will be easier to find joy in life, no matter what is going on around you.

So, while I probably should have stayed more in line with the quote that started this blog, I went my own way and let my thoughts guide me. Maybe someday I'll be further along enough to talk about the content of the C.S. Lewis quote...but not today.

personality test

now, I know.

Click to view my Personality Profile page

Saturday, July 05, 2008

My husband saved his goatee off last night when Jeremiah was still asleep - and this morning when he went to get him from his crib, his son couldn't handle the transition. Poor guy...he just kept looking at Jon and starting to cry, then when I took him, he clung to me and kept staring at his dad.

It's amazing how babies get so disoriented when little things change - especially at home when things are supposed to be familiar.

So, now I'm up with him in the early hours instead of Jon. Ah well.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

stream of conciousness while trapped inside on a beautiful day

So, as I'm sitting here at the IT company, I am aware that there is so much time that I am wasting when I could be reading things I need to read, writing things I need to write, catching up on all the knowledge I seem to have missed from time to time. But is that what I do with my time? Hardly.

I spend the minutes checking email yet again! and sighing that no one has written me in the past half hour. I wouldn't want to be that busy with email anyway, so what's the problem? And, I read tons of books and magazines...unfortunately none that are all that useful to making a better use to society. What can I say, I like fiction. I am trying to get through some parenting books and vocal books that teach me to be better at those aspects of my life, but I am ashamed to admit how slowly that goes, and how much it pales in comparison to Daniel Silva's latest Israeli spy mystery. Oh well.

And who says I have to be constantly improving myself anyway? No one has ever made me feel like I better be doing something useful. And so what if I'm not? Does that make me a less valuable human being for today? I think not.

That's not to say that we shouldn't be striving to improve our minds and actions. Maybe that's the major difference between people like Winston Churchill and I. They always strove for excellence and never settled for mediocrity, even in the menial jobs that made no difference to them if they did a good job or not.

Lessons to learn. I hate this job, yet want to do well because it has been provided for me by my Father, and is a blessing in so many ways. I was able to get a job for someone else through this company, for one. I make money so Jon and I don't have to move in with my parents, for two. And, I get time to write things like this while I'm working, for three. So, even though I'm bored out of my mind, things could definitely be worse. Thank God for IT, whatever it is. :)

Live signature?

So, I'm trying out this new live signature thing...which isn't really live or my signature, but hey - it looks cool.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

why can men be such pigs?

why won't he just leave me alone!? How does he expect me to respond to his infantile flirting day-in and day-out whenever he sees me...it's so irritating! And to top it all off, instead of letting him know in no uncertain terms that I am not interested in playing this psychotic word game with him, I can feel my face turning warm and I cannot will myself not to blush. He doesn't deserve the reaction. What a pig. Ugh. And, and! he then will turn around and be completely normal and make these little comments like I'm the one being ridiculous around him.

I thought I had been rid of him for the summer...he had broken his arm and was out of the office for SO long.

But now he's back.

joy to my freakin' world.

Monday, June 30, 2008


"Each second we live is a new and unique moment of the universe, a moment that will never be again...And what do we teach our children? We teach them that two and two make four, and that Paris is the capital of France.

When will we also teach them what they are? We should say to each of them: Do you know what you are? You are a marvel. You are unique. In all the years that have passed, there has never been another child like you. Your legs, your arms, your clever fingers, the way you move.

You may become a Shakespeare, a Michaelangelo, a Beethoven. You have the capacity for anything. Yes, you are a marvel." - Pablo Casals

Sounds very bohemian, and I think, if taken with a degree of wisdom, is a good philosophy to have.

Friday, June 20, 2008

new phase of teaching

today, I am inspired - yet again - by my wonderful new teaching job for next year. Not only do I have a team (a TEAM!) to work with, which I never had at my other job, the people in the team are working on their professionalism, curriculum, assessments, and making sure the general flow from music classroom to music classroom is getting smoother all the time. AND I have a wonderful co-elementary teacher to work with. We just spent the morning chatting and trading ideas back and forth and realizing how eerily similar we are - and it was absolutely wonderful. I feel like I have not only gained a job I can learn from and grow in, but there is no a wonderful friend that I can talk to and feel comfortable with while I am there. It was one of those moments when you realize as you're talking to someone, that this is someone that you could be friends with for a while - it just clicks. OK, must not wax poetic about that...just feeling so relieved to have someone to talk to more regularly again.

So, this district actually cares about, supports, AND funds their music department - so nice. The building is pretty much brand new, and as a district, they support all kinds of things that I am very much either into or interested in supporting. For instance, they do the Metco program, which buses in students from poorer communities to give them a better education there. We spent the whole morning going over curriculum for our music department and cleaning up areas that are vague or indistinct. And it was wonderful, because these people wanted to do it...asked for the time to do it...not doing it because they were forced to from some higher power. We did curriculum work at my old job - it consisted of me making a curriculum map on my own, no one checking it, and being forced to put it in a binder that no one ever looked at again. Basically, the curriculum coordinator that the state hired for our district said we should do this, so everyone did it to get them off our backs, and there was never any accountability involved at my level at all, not to mention the complaining!!

I am grateful for my time at my old job, that they gave me my start, and I have met some wonderful people that I will keep in touch with. However, I left there feeling discouraged and meaningless, and am SO excited to be somewhere else where my colleagues care about what I'm doing and are willing to work as a team - as schools should.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

know thyself

Here are a couple quotes I've recently come across in a parenting book I'm reading...good stuff to ponder:

"Know who you are, accept who you are, be who you are." Charles Swindoll

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives are a mimicry, their passions a quotation." Oscar Wilde

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." e.e. cummings

Do I really know myself? I used to think I did - and maybe I indeed did at that point. But recently I've come to terms with the fact that I am sort of lost on that topic. In recent years, everything has come into question...my abilities, my looks, my friends, my family, my church, my faith, my ambitions. You've heard some of it here in other blog posts. I am fairly certain that this is not something unusual in the life of a twenty-something to be questioning who she is...but that does not bring me much comfort. How am I supposed to raise a son to know himself and find his way in the world if I don't feel comfortable with who I am?

I'm not saying I'm a lost cause by any means. I am not - I am a child of God and do find immense comfort in that fact...although I have struggled with that at times too. I am simply trying to figure out where my life is supposed to be going, and how to surrender my will and desires to the Lord so He can show me who He designed me to be.

Mom talks to me about how I was (still am) so stubborn as a child, and how she just laughed it off when she could because she knew that I had a strong will of my own and it would serve me well in life. So, I know God has put this element into my makeup, but I struggle with not getting what I want when I want it. Obviously, God has a plan for me, and I am told that it is far better than anything I could dream up...presumably because along with it being the perfect way of life, there will be peace alongside it. And, believe me , I do want peace, if nothing else in life. I cannot stand when there is that pit in my stomach. I am not willing to sacrifice the things that so many artists say that they had to sacrifice to get satisfaction in their art (namely, relationships with spouses, children, family, friends, no time for themselves), so maybe that means I'm not cut out for doing this. Maybe. But a large part of me refuses to believe that. There is not one way to go after a dream, and there is no easy, clear cut way. It is usually a hard road with many obstacles that come in many forms...some are actually blessings that you realize are somehow incompatible with your plan for life. So, do you forsake the child? Of course not. God gave you that child and part the plan for my life is to care for him - responsibility. There has to be another way.

And so, trust is a journey, not something that can be magically read about in a devotional and applied and never revisited. It's probably the toughest lesson I've had to learn...am still learning. It touches every part of me, day to day. I am in His heart of hearts and He will not let me go and does not want to see me unhappy. So, I must trust.

I must trust. He knows who I am, and wants to show me.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

running sucks

This is absolutely HILARIOUS!!

I was reading some “mommy” blogs on a parenting website and this one mom was talking about how she has been trying to get in shape but just doesn’t have the attention span to stick with running for longer than 5 minutes. I was reading along at work, and practically started laughing out loud at my desk (no one is around me, mind you) because of her description. I’ll just let it speak for itself. Guys, you will probably find this a bit gross, but women will find it amazingly, if not slightly exaggerated, accurate. J

“I have a short attention span so I am usually bored and ready to quit after about five minutes. I came home on Day 2 and told my husband that was why I could never be a marathon runner. He raised his eyebrows and said, “Really? That’s why?”

Uh, YES. The fact that my rear end slaps my shoulder blades when I run and that I feel like I might keel over and die 24.2 miles shorter than a marathon has nothing to do with it…

I then spend the next 20 minutes of my run/walk gasping for air mentally telling myself how much it sucks, wondering where that runner’s high is that some people talk about, questioning if perhaps I just come from a long line of terminally lazy people. And therefore it wouldn’t really be my fault. It would be my mother’s fault! Her and her faulty genes. I could live with that excuse.”

HAHA! That’s pretty much what I think almost every time I put on my running shoes. Fortunately, I usually do feel better AFTER the run, although it takes me about an hour to stop wheezing and coughing. The act itself is repulsive, but the rewards are redeeming.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

the dream resurfaces

Fitz came over tonight, and that always means that we talk about the voice for an obscene amount of time. And I love every minute of it. He has been studying voice in an opera department in a school in MA getting his masters, off to a YA program in June and singing singing singing and I am sighing and wishing I was singing more. I know I am where I am supposed to be for now, but it is so hard to see other people living this dream that I want to pursue and am not sure how to go about it. So, I am taking lessons, learning rep, trying to master singing languages I don't know how to speak, and talking to Fitz - who, when he returns from the Key West, says he can introduce me to some people at his school and I could sing for them, if I want to. I think I do. It would be pretty intimidating, but I want to see what would happen.

Sunday, May 25, 2008


The devil is a clever being. I think our society - "the world" - keeps us as Christians from taking him too seriously. That can be a dangerous thing.

Now, I'm not saying that we should be afraid, just acknowledge that the devil is far more powerful than we tend to give him credit for. My husband thinks that's one of the lies that the devil likes to use to keep us doing things unwittingly for him.

One thing I am struggling with at the moment is feeling inadequate. I feel like people are not happy with me for one reason or another, and I have no clue what the reason is - although I rack my brain for reasons they would be unhappy with me. Did I say something that offended them? Did I forget an anniversary/birthday/social event I was supposed to attend? Do they think I am mad at them? The list goes on and on.

I used to feel this way frequently in my childhood - always knowing that I was somehow in trouble, I just didn't know for what yet. But I tried to keep my head low and my comments to myself just in case someone was about to let me have it. I find myself doing this lately more and more - taking my family and friends' words and actions (or inaction) way too personally and overanalyzing if they are angry at me about something and just not approaching me about it.

Maybe you feel guilty about something, you may ask? I have thought about that too...and I don't think there is anything. The only thing I can come up with is I don't feel like I am spending enough time with God. I need to be in His Word constantly in order to fend off the lies that manifest themselves in my head over time. He is the one that I am designed to live for, and He is the one that loves me more than anyone ever could - and He does not want me to worry. I will pray that if I have done something which is my fault, that He will bring it to mind, but other than that, there is not much that I can do about this horrible feeling of bleh than pray and move on, trying to be as good to people as I can.

My husband's been worried about me - he says I'm too quiet. That seems funny to me since most of my life people have told me to speak up, and now Jon is so used to me talking that he notices when I don't have much to say. I guess I'm just in a downer type of mode lately. I hope I can snap out of it soon.

There are some things that have been on my heart lately - bothering me. My church, for example, is still going through a hard transition. I am not sure how else to help, but am praying for the pastor and his family, our congregation, and my family. They have had a brutal time with this church the last few years, and I think they are totally worn out with working with it. That's hard to see, although I understand. They've worked hard, and it's time for some other, maybe younger and more refreshed people to start taking their places. The problem is, the church is full of older, wonderfully experienced people and not many young people. It's a little imbalanced, and I keep thinking that the few young people that are there, willing to help are going to end up taking on everything and get burned out, much like the older people have that are there. Oy. I know I shouldn't worry, and I'm trying not to. But it's hard being there week after week and seeing people unhappy.

Anyway. what a depressing post! It helps to get it out. I'm looking forward to a nice long Memorial Day weekend with some gorgeous weather...that will certainly help to lift my spirits.

Monday, April 21, 2008

the perfect mom

Sometimes I get intimidated by the other mothers in the world. You know, the ones that are super put-together and look fabulous all the time, have their kids looking trendy and cute, have all the right things in the diaper bag, and then some. Or the ones that aren't put-together at all, but don't care, have amazingly creative children because they spend all day putting together clay and origami projects, listening to Mozart, and feeding her entire family meals made of totally organic ingredients and that take months to prepare. Or the ones that do absolutely everything themselves, like make fingerpaint from scratch and have never thought to use a pre-made mix. Or the ones that carry their children everywhere, admittedly because they have to , but it makes their children develop healthy attachment attitudes toward relationships.

I am not any of these mothers, but nor do I need to be.

I still get intimidated by them, because they do some things (or a lot of things) better than I do or possibly ever will. But, by the grace of God, I am coming to terms with the fact that I cannot be all things to my baby. Forget all people, I'm just trying to not become a psycho freak who makes her child depend on her for his every need.

Now, I know that he is only 8 months old. But these things are surprisingly coming into play already, especially when people make innocent comments like, "what's he have to eat today? any veggies? no veggies..." Now, I'm sure that person didn't mean it in any kind of implying way...but it made me feel like I was shoving sweets galore down my sweeties little throat. And it was not of God. I just need to remember that I am not perfect, and never will be this side of heaven. I am doing the best I can with what I have been given, and will continue to be the best mom I can be. That's what God wants of me, and He has Jeremiah in His hands.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

to get ice cream, I must jog

I love the sun! In New England, when the sunshine finally decides to break through, you realize how gloomy it's been. Winter is SO freakin' long here! I think I'm getting used to it, but my days in the South still sit with me as more normal...even though they basically have spring to summer to fall and back again and that's it.

Anyway, I am very excited about the spring weather - it means I can use my jogging stroller again with Jeremiah. Not that I love jogging...but it gets me in the fresh air and doing something healthy for a change. It also gets me thinking about ice cream...at White Farms or Cap'n Dusty's, or Dairy Queen...or all three. Which brings me back to the jogging thing...that's gotta happen or the ice cream thing can't happen. That'll be my motivation.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

and IT stands for...

I have this new job at an IT firm...I am working as a receptionist for the spring and summer and it is very unstimulating.  I always thought i would like a job that had a ton of free time to read or do whatever I needed to do with no pressure, but I should have known myself better than that.  All I do is answer phones and transfer the caller to whoever they want to talk to - same with the faxes.  The other administrative people are slowly teaching me other things to do, but I'm starting to go a little stir crazy!  I'm bringing my Ped books with me to read and learn some things while I sit on my butt and talk to people who have crazy accents on the phone.  This company is in cahoots with a China based company, so we get a lot of Chinese people calling.  Which is cool, except I can't understand what they are saying.  That's about the only stimulating part of the job.  That and the people I work with are very friendly and talkative, so that helps.  Anyway, I am very thankful for the job and Jon and I no longer need to worry about where the next rent check is going to come from.  Thank you, Lord.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

people are frustrating

1) people who you think you know and that you think know you and then you realize that if they weren't part of your life...nothing would change. Disappointing...

2) bigoted people. Everyone - EVERYONE - is a person with feelings and a brain and opinions and are deserving of your attention. Who are you to think other people are less because they are Indian/handicapped/inarticulate/uneducated/ugly? You are just showing yourself to be shallow. Look deeper.

3) people who have their head in the sand. There is so much going on around you, you need to pay attention. Especially when that stuff going on around you is affecting your family and friends that you are supposed to be looking out for.

4) the "it's not my fault" people - other people cannot keep picking up your slack. There is a certain time of grace in everyone's life. It's called childhood and adolescence - and even then you are still responsible for most things. After that, you are your own person and you need to own up. Take responsibility for your actions - even when it hurts you. It's called real life.

5) politicians. just in general.

6) people who don't smile. Ever. Especially when they are in customer relations job. Give me a break. Who hired them?

ok. tirade over. Unfortunately, every single one of these types of people are in my life right now. Some people fit two types. unfortunate.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

money can't buy me love

so, life has been pretty stressful financially lately, although I have recently been able to completely let go of the need to control the fact that more money needs to be coming in than currently is. That doesn't mean I had stopped trying to find a job, but that I had stopped having ulcers every two days when there was no money for mundane things like milk at Market Basket. Instead, I would just go shopping (being smart about it) and just write a check. And every time we would go to church on Sunday, I wouldn't consider what was left in our bank account, I would just calculate how much money Jon and I had made and write a check for 10%...even if we didn't have it. And you know what? God has been providing. On paper we shouldn't have made it this far with me not working, but God is awesome. And, now I have jobs coming out my ears with people who really want to work with me and are super nice and pay really well...and we're going to be covered for the time until I start teaching again in September. I just wanted to share that wonderful blessing. I am content in plenty or in want. Thank you Lord!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

long time no write

whoa, totally been a long time since I've even looked at this page. No one even knows it exists, so I guess that's ok. but, a lot has happened in this time that I wasn't close to aware was going to happen at the time of the last blog. Jon and I got ourselves pregnant, had a adorable little boy who looks like a grand combination of the two of us, and I took a leave of absence from my job and am now considering going back only part-time while we figure out which direction our lives are heading.

So, yeah. pretty crazy. Now schedules are dictated by when Jeremiah needs to eat/sleep/play...it's been the biggest adjustment of my life. Not just physically or time-wise, but mentally and spiritually as well. All those questions that I opened this blog page with in the previous posts are starting to be answered. God is good...crazy...but good. He definitely knows what's up and I definitely don't. But I am learning to trust Him in spite of the fact that I find out every day how little control I have over how my life turns out.

Like, for instance - my ideal life consists of:
1) spending quality time with my wonderful husband and lovely new son (and future kids - don't worry, not pregnant again yet)
2) working part- time somewhere...in music, either teaching or singing, or teaching singing - that's the best option. Kind of what I do now.
3) performing for local arts venues...would love love love that. opera, oratorio, broadway, jazz...you name it. I just wanna sing.

so that's the ideal life. and, as i've said in my very first post, it's been a struggle to give up control over the fact that I might not perform ever on a regular basis. Being pregnant made me rethink a LOT of my priorities and my relationships with everyone and everything. and it's only been in the last couple days that I've finally come to some peaceful realizations: first, that I want to be happy, and that's ok. I think I have been feeling guilty about wanting so much to be happy...kind of messed up thinking. Second, that the things I want in my ideal life might not be realized, and that's hard, but ok too. and third, the only thing that is truly going to make me happy is abiding in Christ. God knows me better than I know myself, and I have to continually be reminded of that fact. He has a plan for my life that I can't fathom and I just need to roll with the punches. I was up thinking the other night (bc the time change sucks when you have a baby) and came to the conclusion that no matter what else happens, the only thing that makes life worthwhile is God. I need to have that relationship or else everything else in my life - no matter how good it may seem on the outside (great husband, wonderful child, enough money, wonderful family and friends, good job) - is not enough. I've been walking around hiding a big secret that I'm miserable - too ashamed to admit to anyone - and for the first time in a long time, I feel free.

"If the Son has set you free, you are free indeed." Amen.