Thursday, March 13, 2008

long time no write

whoa, totally been a long time since I've even looked at this page. No one even knows it exists, so I guess that's ok. but, a lot has happened in this time that I wasn't close to aware was going to happen at the time of the last blog. Jon and I got ourselves pregnant, had a adorable little boy who looks like a grand combination of the two of us, and I took a leave of absence from my job and am now considering going back only part-time while we figure out which direction our lives are heading.

So, yeah. pretty crazy. Now schedules are dictated by when Jeremiah needs to eat/sleep/play...it's been the biggest adjustment of my life. Not just physically or time-wise, but mentally and spiritually as well. All those questions that I opened this blog page with in the previous posts are starting to be answered. God is good...crazy...but good. He definitely knows what's up and I definitely don't. But I am learning to trust Him in spite of the fact that I find out every day how little control I have over how my life turns out.

Like, for instance - my ideal life consists of:
1) spending quality time with my wonderful husband and lovely new son (and future kids - don't worry, not pregnant again yet)
2) working part- time somewhere...in music, either teaching or singing, or teaching singing - that's the best option. Kind of what I do now.
3) performing for local arts venues...would love love love that. opera, oratorio, broadway, jazz...you name it. I just wanna sing.

so that's the ideal life. and, as i've said in my very first post, it's been a struggle to give up control over the fact that I might not perform ever on a regular basis. Being pregnant made me rethink a LOT of my priorities and my relationships with everyone and everything. and it's only been in the last couple days that I've finally come to some peaceful realizations: first, that I want to be happy, and that's ok. I think I have been feeling guilty about wanting so much to be happy...kind of messed up thinking. Second, that the things I want in my ideal life might not be realized, and that's hard, but ok too. and third, the only thing that is truly going to make me happy is abiding in Christ. God knows me better than I know myself, and I have to continually be reminded of that fact. He has a plan for my life that I can't fathom and I just need to roll with the punches. I was up thinking the other night (bc the time change sucks when you have a baby) and came to the conclusion that no matter what else happens, the only thing that makes life worthwhile is God. I need to have that relationship or else everything else in my life - no matter how good it may seem on the outside (great husband, wonderful child, enough money, wonderful family and friends, good job) - is not enough. I've been walking around hiding a big secret that I'm miserable - too ashamed to admit to anyone - and for the first time in a long time, I feel free.

"If the Son has set you free, you are free indeed." Amen.

1 comment:

Amybeth said...

Ha-

Hey! I didn't know you had one of these too, or that anyone knew about mine!

I just tend to use mine more for times when I'm frustrated and don't want to seem whiny to others or when I am pensive and wrestling with something. I probably should branch out, hm?

How did the show go for you? And how's the little boy doing? I can't wait to start getting back to rehearsals so I have an excuse to see you both again-I've been so lucky to have that to keep up with you!

I still want to have you both over to the apartment sometime. =)