Sunday, May 25, 2008

blah

The devil is a clever being. I think our society - "the world" - keeps us as Christians from taking him too seriously. That can be a dangerous thing.

Now, I'm not saying that we should be afraid, just acknowledge that the devil is far more powerful than we tend to give him credit for. My husband thinks that's one of the lies that the devil likes to use to keep us doing things unwittingly for him.

One thing I am struggling with at the moment is feeling inadequate. I feel like people are not happy with me for one reason or another, and I have no clue what the reason is - although I rack my brain for reasons they would be unhappy with me. Did I say something that offended them? Did I forget an anniversary/birthday/social event I was supposed to attend? Do they think I am mad at them? The list goes on and on.

I used to feel this way frequently in my childhood - always knowing that I was somehow in trouble, I just didn't know for what yet. But I tried to keep my head low and my comments to myself just in case someone was about to let me have it. I find myself doing this lately more and more - taking my family and friends' words and actions (or inaction) way too personally and overanalyzing if they are angry at me about something and just not approaching me about it.

Maybe you feel guilty about something, you may ask? I have thought about that too...and I don't think there is anything. The only thing I can come up with is I don't feel like I am spending enough time with God. I need to be in His Word constantly in order to fend off the lies that manifest themselves in my head over time. He is the one that I am designed to live for, and He is the one that loves me more than anyone ever could - and He does not want me to worry. I will pray that if I have done something which is my fault, that He will bring it to mind, but other than that, there is not much that I can do about this horrible feeling of bleh than pray and move on, trying to be as good to people as I can.

My husband's been worried about me - he says I'm too quiet. That seems funny to me since most of my life people have told me to speak up, and now Jon is so used to me talking that he notices when I don't have much to say. I guess I'm just in a downer type of mode lately. I hope I can snap out of it soon.

There are some things that have been on my heart lately - bothering me. My church, for example, is still going through a hard transition. I am not sure how else to help, but am praying for the pastor and his family, our congregation, and my family. They have had a brutal time with this church the last few years, and I think they are totally worn out with working with it. That's hard to see, although I understand. They've worked hard, and it's time for some other, maybe younger and more refreshed people to start taking their places. The problem is, the church is full of older, wonderfully experienced people and not many young people. It's a little imbalanced, and I keep thinking that the few young people that are there, willing to help are going to end up taking on everything and get burned out, much like the older people have that are there. Oy. I know I shouldn't worry, and I'm trying not to. But it's hard being there week after week and seeing people unhappy.

Anyway. what a depressing post! It helps to get it out. I'm looking forward to a nice long Memorial Day weekend with some gorgeous weather...that will certainly help to lift my spirits.

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