Wednesday, June 11, 2008

know thyself

Here are a couple quotes I've recently come across in a parenting book I'm reading...good stuff to ponder:

"Know who you are, accept who you are, be who you are." Charles Swindoll

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives are a mimicry, their passions a quotation." Oscar Wilde

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." e.e. cummings

Do I really know myself? I used to think I did - and maybe I indeed did at that point. But recently I've come to terms with the fact that I am sort of lost on that topic. In recent years, everything has come into question...my abilities, my looks, my friends, my family, my church, my faith, my ambitions. You've heard some of it here in other blog posts. I am fairly certain that this is not something unusual in the life of a twenty-something to be questioning who she is...but that does not bring me much comfort. How am I supposed to raise a son to know himself and find his way in the world if I don't feel comfortable with who I am?

I'm not saying I'm a lost cause by any means. I am not - I am a child of God and do find immense comfort in that fact...although I have struggled with that at times too. I am simply trying to figure out where my life is supposed to be going, and how to surrender my will and desires to the Lord so He can show me who He designed me to be.

Mom talks to me about how I was (still am) so stubborn as a child, and how she just laughed it off when she could because she knew that I had a strong will of my own and it would serve me well in life. So, I know God has put this element into my makeup, but I struggle with not getting what I want when I want it. Obviously, God has a plan for me, and I am told that it is far better than anything I could dream up...presumably because along with it being the perfect way of life, there will be peace alongside it. And, believe me , I do want peace, if nothing else in life. I cannot stand when there is that pit in my stomach. I am not willing to sacrifice the things that so many artists say that they had to sacrifice to get satisfaction in their art (namely, relationships with spouses, children, family, friends, no time for themselves), so maybe that means I'm not cut out for doing this. Maybe. But a large part of me refuses to believe that. There is not one way to go after a dream, and there is no easy, clear cut way. It is usually a hard road with many obstacles that come in many forms...some are actually blessings that you realize are somehow incompatible with your plan for life. So, do you forsake the child? Of course not. God gave you that child and part the plan for my life is to care for him - responsibility. There has to be another way.

And so, trust is a journey, not something that can be magically read about in a devotional and applied and never revisited. It's probably the toughest lesson I've had to learn...am still learning. It touches every part of me, day to day. I am in His heart of hearts and He will not let me go and does not want to see me unhappy. So, I must trust.

I must trust. He knows who I am, and wants to show me.

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