Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Updates / Musings:

- Have gotten headshots done. Have not done any auditions with them yet, because I am too nervous. Stupid reason.

- Next, need to find a place to practice consistently and get my audition arias in gear. Then, make an audition cd.

- Jeremiah is almost walking! this is craziness...when did all this happen? where is my baby going?

- had to report a guy in the office I work with to HR so he would leave me alone. that was/is disconcerting because I still see him every day I work there.

- My husband and I finished the 3rd season of Lost and are trying to find a way to watch the 4th season before the 5th season starts. Totally addicted.

- I am excited to begin teaching in the fall...part-time, no less! every time I remember that I only work 2 1/2 days I get very happy.

- Jon and I are going to make our finances on our own (no loans from family, or cash from creditors) for the first time since snow stopped falling. God is good.

- have to go to a funeral on friday. Didn't know the woman very well, but she was part of our church. It will most likely be an open casket. Don't know what to think about that.

- I think I like Feierabend. If you don't know who or what that is, you're not an elementary music educator, but i won't hold that against you. ;)

- i have a great surprise for someone that i can't mention, even though I kinda just's really hard to keep it a secret!

- My little family is going to travel up to Seattle for Labor Day weekend to visit the extended family and have them meet Jeremiah. 7 hours on a plane ride with a 1 year old? Wake me when it's over.

- I am trying to not gain back the weight I lost while nursing, but this is hard. I have to actually run...i guess it's good for me.

Friday, July 25, 2008

a comrad!

"...The busier my life, the more I crave space. Not just physical space where I can be alone for a while, but mental space where I can form complete thoughts, create new dreams, contemplate broad ideas. Yet any extra room in my head seems filled with mental Post-it notes about dental appointments and phone calls I have to make, lists of items I need from Target, and the vague feeling I missed someone’s birthday.

Of all the various kinds of busyness, this overflowing brain busyness is the hardest for me to handle. It makes me feel overwhelmed, even when nothing overwhelming is going on. I can be washing dishes or driving my car or trying to find my glasses and feel totally stressed out because my brain is running at 800 miles per hour. And if some poor soul chooses that particular moment to ask me a question, he gets a response that’s not only snappish, but probably sarcastic and completely unhelpful..."

I found this on a fellow blogger's website, and that is precisely how I've been feeling lately. I probably couldn't have put it any clearer. And I only have one kid! My husband wants four...oy. I know they will be blessings, but there will also be a lot of nights with glasses of wine to drink to calm my worried brain. :)

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

mud on your face

Do you ever have moments when you are so ashamed of who you were in a past moment? When you realize how wretchedly prideful and pompous you were, thinking that others around you didn't have a clue how much better you were at something than they were?

My whole life I've tried to love people where they are at, and couldn't understand how other friends of mine could be so judgmental, so "narrow-minded" - classifying people into categories and sub-categories and writing them off without ever trying to get to know them better. I was not one of those people.

Or so I thought. Looking back, I was, but, of course, in my own way. I was just as judgmental of people, but chose to not be so overt about it. That makes it even worse.

And, not only that, but I have gotten much worse over the years. I find myself thinking, "That guy is just a pig," or "she's only out to help herself all the time, there's no room for her to think of my needs." How RIDICULOUSLY absurd. I am beyond disgusted.

I get upset that people at work treat me a certain way, when they have no idea who I really am or what I am about, and then I turn around and live my life in such a way that other people have the problem and can never change. What brought about this criticism and pride? Who am I to think these things? I am no better than anyone I know.

I know many people who have told me they struggle with this very issue. Loving people and not criticizing unnecessarily, because you don't know their life. I usually had a hard time relating. I guess I've become more hardened than I realized.

To all those who I have judged, I'm sorry. You are worth more than rubies and loved beyond the moon by our Lord and Savior. I have been content to look down my muddy nose at all of you while not realizing how stupid I must have looked. I pray you didn't realize or notice, but if you did (and even if you didn't), please forgive me. I have proven myself to be a fool in need of grace.

God is (thankfully) still working. I pray He never stops.

Friday, July 18, 2008

joy like a fountain?

"Joy is the serious business of heaven." - C.S. Lewis

Joy is such an abused term. It is equated with happiness. It is thought of in terms of spilling over with excitement. To go to the other extreme, it's a dish detergent - as in, 'washing these dishes with this detergent brings me joy'...yeah! right. So, what is joy? What does it look like, smell like, sound like, feel like? Is it only a feeling? Is it something that happens spontaneously, or is it like love or contentment - you start out with the feeling and then have to choose it to keep it going? How do you get joy? Is it a gift from God? Can you be joyful despite being in a horrible situation?

It's heaven's business to be joyful. Does that mean that it's like a job that they take seriously? That doesn't make sense. I've always thought of joy as being a spontaneous reaction to circumstance...but in recent years, I've started to think that's probably more happiness. But...I do think happiness plays a role in joy. The difference may lie in the will. I think it is more like love, where you have to choose to have it. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience..." etc. SO...if it's a fruit, it can be cultivated - grown. Maybe, as children, we find it so easy to have joy, because life's burdens have yet to be thrust upon us, at least for most children. As you get older, you find it harder to love, harder to trust, harder to give of yourself because of the hurt and heartache that is inevitably encountered in a sinful world. The capacity to have joy becomes harder and harder...even for supposedly "loving" and "peaceful" Christians. I know I've become hardened over the years...not fun to realize, but nonetheless, it is there. So, how does one capture joy?

I don't know enough about anything to be giving advice, much less spiritual advice on anything. But, this blog, while being a spot to catalog my pursuing of a dream, is also becoming a place to muse on what I should be as a child of God. What I am in insufficient and flawed in so many ways, and I want to be better. I want to love without condition, without selfish motive, and without fear. It seems to me, that if this "fruit" gets cultivated, then joy will follow. "Perfect love drives out fear." If that is so, and it's in the Word, then if fear is gone, it will be easier to find joy in life, no matter what is going on around you.

So, while I probably should have stayed more in line with the quote that started this blog, I went my own way and let my thoughts guide me. Maybe someday I'll be further along enough to talk about the content of the C.S. Lewis quote...but not today.

personality test

now, I know.

Click to view my Personality Profile page

Saturday, July 05, 2008

My husband saved his goatee off last night when Jeremiah was still asleep - and this morning when he went to get him from his crib, his son couldn't handle the transition. Poor guy...he just kept looking at Jon and starting to cry, then when I took him, he clung to me and kept staring at his dad.

It's amazing how babies get so disoriented when little things change - especially at home when things are supposed to be familiar.

So, now I'm up with him in the early hours instead of Jon. Ah well.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

stream of conciousness while trapped inside on a beautiful day

So, as I'm sitting here at the IT company, I am aware that there is so much time that I am wasting when I could be reading things I need to read, writing things I need to write, catching up on all the knowledge I seem to have missed from time to time. But is that what I do with my time? Hardly.

I spend the minutes checking email yet again! and sighing that no one has written me in the past half hour. I wouldn't want to be that busy with email anyway, so what's the problem? And, I read tons of books and magazines...unfortunately none that are all that useful to making a better use to society. What can I say, I like fiction. I am trying to get through some parenting books and vocal books that teach me to be better at those aspects of my life, but I am ashamed to admit how slowly that goes, and how much it pales in comparison to Daniel Silva's latest Israeli spy mystery. Oh well.

And who says I have to be constantly improving myself anyway? No one has ever made me feel like I better be doing something useful. And so what if I'm not? Does that make me a less valuable human being for today? I think not.

That's not to say that we shouldn't be striving to improve our minds and actions. Maybe that's the major difference between people like Winston Churchill and I. They always strove for excellence and never settled for mediocrity, even in the menial jobs that made no difference to them if they did a good job or not.

Lessons to learn. I hate this job, yet want to do well because it has been provided for me by my Father, and is a blessing in so many ways. I was able to get a job for someone else through this company, for one. I make money so Jon and I don't have to move in with my parents, for two. And, I get time to write things like this while I'm working, for three. So, even though I'm bored out of my mind, things could definitely be worse. Thank God for IT, whatever it is. :)

Live signature?

So, I'm trying out this new live signature thing...which isn't really live or my signature, but hey - it looks cool.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

why can men be such pigs?

why won't he just leave me alone!? How does he expect me to respond to his infantile flirting day-in and day-out whenever he sees's so irritating! And to top it all off, instead of letting him know in no uncertain terms that I am not interested in playing this psychotic word game with him, I can feel my face turning warm and I cannot will myself not to blush. He doesn't deserve the reaction. What a pig. Ugh. And, and! he then will turn around and be completely normal and make these little comments like I'm the one being ridiculous around him.

I thought I had been rid of him for the summer...he had broken his arm and was out of the office for SO long.

But now he's back.

joy to my freakin' world.