Tuesday, March 17, 2009

no regrets

I like to think that I can live life without regrets.

Unfortunately, as we all know, this is seldom possible, if at all possible.

My son being born was a somewhat traumatic time for me, mentally and spiritually. I felt torn away from the person that I had become comfortable being, and thrown into this new role as an older, more mature being who knew all things that would be good for the child. Who knew what to do with life to make everything run smoothly. Who was no longer "young" and "fun" and "beautiful" but now doomed to "mother" and "routine" and "saggy."

Sounds depressing, right?

It was.

It took me my entire pregnancy and four months afterward to even begin to trust God enough to tell people how screwed up I was feeling, thinking, acting. But, come around I did, and am trying to learn the lessons and grow in the ways that God has put before me. Learning to trust that His plans can be my plans. My plans can be given up to Him without regret. That is the thing that I have been realizing. It does not need to be the way i envisioned it. I can sing, God has given me that gift and desire...but the path is not the one I chose for me, it is the one that He will choose for me. And I have never felt more at peace with letting my own will go.

The only regret I do have...I wish that I could have been more capable of enjoying my little boy in his early stages. I loved him, no question...but I wish that I had been more joyful and excited in pregnancy and appreciative of the miracle that a newborn baby is in those early months. I sure appreciate him now. What a marvelous littly boy the Lord has given us. He is everything I didn't know I wanted. He fits right in! :)

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