Wednesday, June 10, 2009

soothsayer

Why is it so hard to hold onto truth? Are humans really that frail that we will believe anything that comes our way, provided we are bombarded with the false information consistently enough? There are so many times that I realize I am feeling depressed and overwhelmed because I believe that others are so disappointed in me, that I am not what I should be for this or that...to the point that I begin to avoid those very people who are clueless as to my change in behavior.

It's all built off of a look...a careless word said...and I am overanalyzing and feeling incredibly vulnerable and crummy and useless to the world. This almost always happens in a work setting. Any work setting. It could be teaching a class or babysitting a child. I take things way too personally and struggle to voice my thoughts because I will be seen as immature and weak.

Why do I believe these lies that Satan puts in my head? Why is it that he can so easily get me to look inward instead of to my Savior who tells me the truth. The truth that I am worthwhile. The truth that it doesn't matter what others think of me anyway...all that matters is looking to His hand for my next step.

It is a weakness of mine. Dependency on others' approval. It affects even my most minute decisions. I thought I had been getting better - having a child makes you care less what others' think - but I think I've just shifted the importance of the thoughts. But they are still others' thoughts. And I place them above what God thinks of me.

"Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies." Romans 8:33

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