Sunday, June 14, 2009

thoughts to ponder

It is so different to do anything personal with your life once you become a mother. It is much harder to do anything (besides mothering and taking care of the family and house) that you used to consider so crucial to your livelihood/health/mental stability. Especially when that something takes you away from the motherly and household responsibilities. My singing is a part of me that I can't ignore - although I've tried. It seems to be a nagging bother that I can't get enough time away for - time to study, time to practice, time to learn, time to perform, time to be coached and taught. And it takes what little money we have (it is a "we" now, after all) and throws it into this "hobby" (as some deem it) never to be seen again and hopefully bringing forth more opportunity and result so that I can pour more money and more time into it. And the cycle continues - but does it pay back?

It is difficult for mothers to justify time away from their children. I have a feeling that I am not as militant as many other moms are about spending as much time at home as possible, which entails not working or going out with friends or having much of a llife separate from their kid(s) and husband. And I'm not sure I disagree with those moms that choose to live that way for one reason or another. I think there are clear advantages for kids who's moms stay home 24/7 to raise them. I am a product of one such mom, and it was wonderful having that security. My husband and I can't afford that right now, so i am working part-time. So, as if that's not enough time away from Jeremiah - I am also slowly pursuing this singing career, if it can be called that at this point. But I am constantly aware that every "extra" rehearsal/coaching/lesson/performance takes that time that I am home with him away. Even if these things are at night (usually when I try to schedule them) and he's asleep, it takes precious time away from Jon and mine's marriage. No wonder so many artists of all types have relationship problems.

Art is consuming. To be good at any type of art is consuming. As much as I have tried to forget the dream of being on stage and singing, I just can't. It's in me. Sometimes I hate it, because it takes too much work and I am insecure and these people are better than me and I don't want to ask someone to watch jeremiah while I practice AGAIN and I feel so inexperienced and why do I feel the need to pursue this and and and. And at some points, the ands have to be ignored and put aside and I just have to sing, because it makes me feel like the truest version of myself I've ever known. My complete self is singing with my family and true friends around me, even singing with me. That's why I do this. At least for now. That's why I run after this ridiculous dream that makes me feel foolish - because I would feel empty and useless and even more foolish if I ignored it.

I don't pretend to understand and am not schooled in debate or even average writing skill. I probably couldn't describe this to someone if they were face-to-face with me. But, that's what this blog is for. To put into words why this desire is in me.

1 comment:

~Me said...

It is often a difficult decision on whether to give up that time. I think that there are REALLY situations when it's totally justified to follow your dreams. You will be a happier person because of it, and your children will be happier because you are happier. There is a line between ignoring your family to follow your dreams and following your dreams on the side without giving up that innate part of yourself. This can be a "necessary evil" if you will. Don't deny yourself! If you can make it work without feeling guilty, then you're on the right side of the line. You will know when/if you have crossed it, and then will have to decide whether to stay across or go back. Knowing you well, I would say you won't even ever cross the line into ignoring your family. But...if you ever did, I know you would come back. You're a good mother, Jen. You need to do what is necessary to keep your sanity. You need to hold on to who you are. You're not required to give up yourself in order to be a good mom! You're amazing. Don't question yourself too much!