Friday, August 28, 2009

a few vs. the masses

I think part of why I get so nervous to sing at an audition (apart from the auditors there to find what is wrong with what you are doing) is the fact that you are singing in front of only one or a few people. I think that is much harder than singing in front of an audience. And can kind of...block out into a senseless mass that wants to be entertained. They are friendlier and less critical in my mind. They cough and sneeze and whisper loudly about funny things. And they are "supposed" to clap for you at the end. One or two people is just awkward. They are usually close in proximity and don't make any noise. Indeed, they listen carefully, with rapt attention so that any mistake is magnified and judged. And then they decide to accept or reject you. I can be very confident only if I know it is casual. I hate the stand-there-and-sing-while-we-barely-greet-you-and-stare-as-you-pour-out-your-heart-in-song audition.

It's unnerving.

Charlie Brown

So, I tried out for "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown" the other night. This is my first official Broadway show that I am trying out for...or should I say "off-off-off Broadway show". Anyways, it's broadway music as opposed to opera/oratorio/art song. And I went in and sang like I usually do, with a little operatic flair, but still expressive and somewhat like these singers are "supposed" to sound. But no belting. Which, believe me, was there some belting going on with the other auditionees whom I could hear very clearly through the paper thin wall that separated the waiting auditionees from the one actually auditioning at the time.

I sang a slow ("Not while I'm Around" from Sweeney Todd) and an upbeat song (Vanilla Ice Cream" from She Loves Me) and then they had me called back in to do a reading for Sally Brown (the soprano in the musical). I did ok on that...not really sure what they thought. I was going for a superiority complex, and they asked me halfway through to be more indignant, so I changed it a bit, and they said "good!" and let me go...without finishing the reading. So, not knowing what that meant, I left.

And got an email today, saying they want me back for more dancing and acting. But I had indicated on my contact sheet that I couldn't make callbacks (Jon and I have free tickets to Tanglewood to see James Taylor), so the director emailed me to say she realizes that and will still take me into consideration for the show. So. There it is.

Whatever happens is what it is. I don't know if I want to do this... there are a LOT of rehearsals and the show is the couple weekends before Thanksgiving. About 4 rehearsals a week. Which I can only make 3 if I get in. Which means, not much time with Jon (Jermeiah would be asleep by the time I would have to leave for rehearsals). But...I'm taking this as an opportunity (again, if I get anything) to stretch and see if this show (opera/musical) thing can consistently happen, or if it's just too hard. I need to be singing and building my resume, and it can't be all concerts and recitals. Plus, even if I don't get this role, it was good to audition. I need more experience auditioning...I still get way too nervous. And I need to know what type of people these other singers are. I am very different than many of those people. Most of them are college age and pretty self-focused. I am married with a kid and working a job with benefits. But, we all want to sing. So, that's something to keep in connection with the rest of these crazy people who are trying to get roles. Like me.

I'll update when I know more.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

I'm worried.
I'm fearful.
I'm tired.
I'm not able to catch up.
I'm keeping it to myself.
I'm overanalyzing.
I'm doubting turning thinking.
I'm needing.
I'm sad.

Lord, You know my tears. You know the joys that come in spite of fear and longings for things to be different. You know what I want, and You know what I need. You know where they coincide even as I don't. I trust that I can be whatever I am right now and You know me through and through. Even as I struggle to reveal it to those You've placed close to me. I can trust that You are the great I AM, even though I must remind myself to let go and not cling to what I believe to be better at one moment, and try to accept as gone the next. I want to be strong, but You know me to be weak. And still I am loved beyond reason. Thank You for the times past. Please give me strength to forge along to times ahead. Defeat the demons of discontect, cynicism, and despair that claw at my heart. I am Yours. Let that truth reign in me.


Friday, August 21, 2009

forget about it

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

"So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first His kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough trouble about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Jesus, in the Sermon on the Mount, Mt. 6:31-34

Thursday, August 20, 2009


Yes yes, I'm trying to create a website for self-promotion with my singing. I sincerely doubt it will see the light of day until next spring, because there really isn't much to put on it yet. So far, I have some headshots, my resume, and a (very) short biography of my short career as a singer. But, it's a start! I'm not sure I like the free service I'm using, but it's fun to dabble in this idea. I would be ok with paying for a website as well, but I want to play with this one first and see what I want before I get too professional with it.

So...I'm not telling anyone the web adress yet. Or maybe ever. We'll see. It's really only for me at this point. But maybe I'll let you guys in on a sneak peak at some point in the coming months, if I can get some recordings done and posted on there. :)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


"Because You are my helper, I will sing in the shadow of Your wings." Psalm 63:7

That verse has meant a lot to me over the years - I found it as a college student and wrote it into all sorts of things so that I would remember His gift to me and how I can use it.

Right now, it is a comfort that I can sing while turmoil is happening. Emotions are high and time is never enough and I just want to crawl into a corner and not answer anyone's questions and sleep and pray and read and not be responsible for anything. I have my last summer concert with Longwood Opera tonight (I am singing the Flower Duet from Delibes' Lakme). My parents are gone in 4 days away from my area of the country and into another one that they love that is truly beautiful and relaxed and perfect for them but still very far away. It is the first time that my family has not been within close proximity with each other. I'm not upset that it's happening, just sad. I think it's a natural reaction. I think any person with a fairly healthy relationship with their parents and family feels it is a bit unnatural to live away from them. It has been a week of packing and cleaning and sorting my parents' stuff and pushing my own emotions away until they have to be dealt with...when I shut down.

It is a comfort to know that God can protect me from myself. From the lies in my head. And he can give me my daily sustenance as I work and talk and plan for the future. I have more opportunities to sing than I used to and that brings me great joy and an outlet for these emotions that I tend to stuff inside. God has provided that for me. He is good. He will protect and nurture me and my little family here even as my parents move farther away. I trust that. It's just hard to say goodbye to seeing them often.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Just finished Gilbert and Sullivan night with Longwood Opera. What a disorganized mess that was. :( Not too fun to be a part of as a performer, but I don't think the audience caught on. They seemed to love it! I've decided that I need to learn more G&S stuff...since it's pretty popular everywhere and good for young singers to learn. Not my favorite music, but entertaining enough.

Next performance: The Flower Duet from Lakme by Delibes. Singing with another amazing singer that I met at Longwood.

Next audition Longwood Players (no relation to Longwood Opera) in Cambridge is holding auditions for "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown." It's Aug. 26 at about 8pm. I don't know if this is a good idea if I actually get a part, but I want to make myself start auditioning more, and the venue is only 45 minutes from our house.

I've been thinking that if I continue to pursue singing like this, it would behoove me to move closer to Boston. It wouldn't have to be too close, just closer so the drives in would be more like 20 minutes instead of 40. Maybe I can talk my hubby into that. That would work for our further schooling plans too.