Saturday, January 09, 2010

hope and the dreams

maybe my dreams are changing.

Oh, I still want to sing. But it doesn't seem to fit into this life a lot of times. I keep hearing our culture yelling at me to make it work, pushing me here and there, guilting me into believing that everyone who is anyone makes their career and family work together while pursuing a true passion.

The "superwoman" of today.

But I'm not so sure I should believe our culture. I'm not so sure it is my job to believe this world. I do not belong to the ruler of this world. My calling is higher.

But I am afraid. I am afraid of people's opinions. I am afraid of feeling disappointment. I am afraid, most of all, of missing it.

I believe God has plans for me. That He had plans for me already in life, and they have led me here. I do not believe I am here by accident. I am married, I have a boy-child, I work, and I sing. And I pray, and try to pray more. Usually, I am failing at any one of these things at any given time, sometimes more than one thing. But I am trying to live on grace. And trying to not believe the lies of this world.

But it's not so easy to do as it is to write about it here. I am discouraged, beaten down by the pressure. I am apprehensive of the plans that we are laying before us, my dear love and I. Are we doing this on our own? Is God with us on this? How do we know? Sometimes, I am afraid I don't truly know. That I am just on my own.

How can I learn to trust that God is still leading me? Is it just a fuzzy feeling of "good job, keep going"? Is it a friend or stranger confirming my decisions without their knowledge?

And then, am I really so prideful to think I could mess up God's plan? Is that what I'm assuming? He knows my foolishness, my fear. He scoops it up and puts it as far as China. And He tells me to look at Him and be sure of who He is. Sometimes I am afraid to do that because I am not anything.

But, one thing I do trust Him for: I know He loves me. And that is the one truth I come back to when it seems everything is a little too loose. When I'm not sure how things will work out in 5 years, in 2 years, in 6 months.

He will not leave me alone. Even though everything seems uncertain, He will not leave me or forsake me. I am His, and He is mine. He knows me. And if He knows me so well, he knows what will happen tomorrow, and the next day, and 2 years and 5 years from now. He knows it all.

And He knows the plans He has for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. (Jer 29:11, changes mine)

Oh, Lord, may I have hope. Save me from this dread of missing you.

No comments: