Tuesday, April 27, 2010

the other "given Dreams"...

It is so easy to carefully sift the emotion I show to you here. I am finding out more and more people who read this (though I never knew it) and it is frightening. How much have I revealed without really thinking of how bare I can be in front of you? Because the truth is, I am often happier and often sadder and often lower and often a lot more _____-er than I present here in this site. I don't write of the good often enough, because, well, life is good. I don't feel the need to process as much during those times. But I don't share the bad as easily either, because I am too ashamed to admit the true issues I struggle with on a daily basis.

The name of this blog is "Given the Dream," intentionally made to help me keep track of my singing endeavors...and I have kept this in mind as I wonder about other areas of my life and how I can balance it all and find myself, find my Lord in the midst of all my desires. But, the truth is, my life is so much bigger than this dream that I have clung to for so long. I want to sing I want to sing I want to sing I have chanted for as long as I can remember...but God has given me some other dreams along the way...His dreams. He has given me a husband that I didn't always dream about or expect at the time he was presented. He has given me a son who was very unexpected and has shaken my world. He has given me a career in teaching that was not what I thought it would be...mostly because of my naivitee (sp?) in pursuing that field. He has given me my voice and singing opportunities, but these other dreams get in the way...at least according to my silly brain lately.

Singing in the Magic Flute with people who are able to pursue their stage dreams and have not much standing in their way as far as responsibilities lends me much frustration if I decide to let my heart walk that road. All these good and precious things my God has given me are hard for me to accept. I still cling to my old ways, my old dreams. How can I give it up, even if it doesn't mean giving it up, but just letting God manage it?

Who would I be, if not a singer? A wife? A mother? A teacher?

My greatest fear is having those be my identity, since I know how often I am inadequate in all these positions. Inadequacy is dehabilitating. I do not know how to give myself to these 'dreams' God has laid in my lap, because they were not a part of me from before I can remember. Now, they are important, deeply important, but I must pray every day for desire to give myself to them.

So there it is. I never wanted to be a mother, a wife, a teacher, at least not as a career. I wanted to be traveling, on stage, singing at any given moment.

God didn't want that for me, obviously. So, I am trying to trust His plan.

Please don't read too much into this: I LOVE my family. My heart battles are not about them. They are about my trust in God and denial of my selfish ambition. It's not easy, but I find that, in a strange way, there are moments of inspiration, joy, and satisfaction within the struggle to throw off the old and embrace the new.

All that to say, I am still going to be singing - but the blog will also contain my thoughts about these other God-given 'dreams'...for anyone who cares to read them.


sarah marie said...

Hey Jen... you mention fearing having your other 'dreams' become your identity because you feel inadequate in those realms. It's funny because I've been thinking about that in regards to the ways I find my "identity" too - but I feel inadequate as a musician as well, which is where a lot of my sense of self comes from. I wonder in the end if we look for a sense of self in the things we do, whatever those things may be, we will end up falling short.

It reminds me of a C.S. Lewis quote: "Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ, and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in." (from Mere Christianity as I recall)

Jen said...

exactly Sarah. This is the journey I'm on, trying to look to Him alone. I honestly feel that I only see the other things the way I currently do because He's been speaking to me. Been realizing daily that any other identity kinda stinks. Thanks for the encouragement!