Tuesday, May 18, 2010

after God's heart.

I want so much to be a complete mother. I want so much to do the things I read about others' doing - the green cleaning, the inspirational and challenging homeschooling, the guiding of children to a greater understanding of our Lord, the eating-more-with-less-meal plans, the growing and encouraging of well-rounded young lives.

It is all so overwhelming. Sometimes I want to cry with the pressure of it all to be everything I want to be to this little one and the ones to come. I am not enough.

Yes, I know I am not enough. There is a part of me that understands and accepts that and lives in God's grace that He will give me strength and motivation and clarity while being a mother. It's the times that I leave His grace and forget that perfection is unattainable this side of heaven and let fear rule my thoughts and actions and control my mouth. Those are the difficult times.

Yes, I know I will grow and learn. I know that I will need to take risks and escape my comfort zone to try some of these things that God has for me and my family. I know that I will need to lead the charge at times. And I will need to be constantly checking back in with God, growing in knowledge of Him. Most of all, I want my son to see me as a woman after God's heart. If nothing else, may He know that.

2 comments:

~Me said...

Sometimes it can be overwhelming to realize all the responsibility we have when it comes to raising our kids. Personally, (take my opinion with a grain of salt remember) but I've always approached it with the mindset of I will do the best I can do without overstressing. Mostly, I do this because if I allowed myself to worry about and try to "keep up" with other moms I might push myself to be more than I am capable of, and the anxiety over all of that would be worse for my kids than the "accomplishments" of keeping up with others or living up to others' standards. Don't feel as though you're failing compared to standards set by others. You follow your (and Jon's) heart and what you feel is best for your family after prayers on that subject. Realize that if you do everything you can to raise the kids to be smart, conscientious, and God honoring, that the rest is in God's hands. You can't make your kids believe in Christ, you can't make them what you want them to be, but you can offer them the support and wisdom and prayers that you can in order for God to mold them according to his desires.

Hang in there, Jen. I know it's tough and stressful and if we fall too much under the belief that we need to be self-reliant and hand our kids the world then we cheat them by not teaching them the important truths about our weaknesses.

Love and miss you guys! We're planning a trip for end of Sept beginning of Oct - camping in ME, and the Topsfield fair!!! Can't wait to see you!!!!!

Jen said...

thanks Joy! we so miss you guys too...and are excited to be living in the Draper's house next fall! (did I tell you that?) it will be great to see you in the fall, and spend lots of time together. :)

I needed that encouragement today...there has been a lot going on lately, and I am trying hard to relax and leave things in God's hands.