Saturday, January 30, 2010

Thursday, January 21, 2010

monkey see, monkey do.

my little one does whatever I want to do. Sometimes I think this is great, I can go where I want and he won't cause a fuss (most of the time), or we can hang out at the house and do chores or sing or dance or watch a little kid show (or a big kid show) or just putter around doing nothing but enjoying the day.

Right now, he is watching a show on Noggin and happily crawled next to me to snuggle and watch me type and check email and such.

While this is nice, I must also remember that the "pliable-ness" in his personality will lend itself to mine and Jon's example. If we sit around all the time, so will he. If we use our energy to get things done and be active, so will he (at least in this point in his life). This is a very mellow child, easy to get along with, not one to cause waves. I must remember to help him be active...and that means using the time I have with him to be active and get him moving and helping around the house and playing with all his toys.

This gets tough since I have less and less time at home lately. I don't want to be running around and doing the chores. I've been working all week, and want a break. I like having the TV on sometimes...yet I know it's not always good for him. I like being lazy and not doing much, but I know if he sees that every week I'm with him, he'll think that's what we're supposed to do. And he will get used to it.

I want to do the right things. God give me grace. :)

Friday, January 15, 2010

what music means to me.

Photo slideshows and music just make me cry every time.

Add to that some sort of narrative or reading, and I'm done. In writing my philosophy of Music Education, I have to include a section on why music should be kept in the public schools...a good idea since so many programs are not high on the admin's profile. I don't think I'm very articulate when I describe what music means to me...but it means the world to me. A life without music is almost empty. I try to think that God would fill the void with something just as good, but I can't think what it would be. Music puts thoughts where there are none. Music gives life to nothingness. Music creates expression for things that are stuck. I think without music, I would be very much stuck inside myself with little to no outlets.

But...how do I write that in an oh-so-professional paper for my Masters program?

Hope you all have a beautiful long weekend.

Saturday, January 09, 2010

hope and the dreams

maybe my dreams are changing.

Oh, I still want to sing. But it doesn't seem to fit into this life a lot of times. I keep hearing our culture yelling at me to make it work, pushing me here and there, guilting me into believing that everyone who is anyone makes their career and family work together while pursuing a true passion.

The "superwoman" of today.

But I'm not so sure I should believe our culture. I'm not so sure it is my job to believe this world. I do not belong to the ruler of this world. My calling is higher.

But I am afraid. I am afraid of people's opinions. I am afraid of feeling disappointment. I am afraid, most of all, of missing it.

I believe God has plans for me. That He had plans for me already in life, and they have led me here. I do not believe I am here by accident. I am married, I have a boy-child, I work, and I sing. And I pray, and try to pray more. Usually, I am failing at any one of these things at any given time, sometimes more than one thing. But I am trying to live on grace. And trying to not believe the lies of this world.

But it's not so easy to do as it is to write about it here. I am discouraged, beaten down by the pressure. I am apprehensive of the plans that we are laying before us, my dear love and I. Are we doing this on our own? Is God with us on this? How do we know? Sometimes, I am afraid I don't truly know. That I am just on my own.

How can I learn to trust that God is still leading me? Is it just a fuzzy feeling of "good job, keep going"? Is it a friend or stranger confirming my decisions without their knowledge?

And then, am I really so prideful to think I could mess up God's plan? Is that what I'm assuming? He knows my foolishness, my fear. He scoops it up and puts it as far as China. And He tells me to look at Him and be sure of who He is. Sometimes I am afraid to do that because I am not anything.

But, one thing I do trust Him for: I know He loves me. And that is the one truth I come back to when it seems everything is a little too loose. When I'm not sure how things will work out in 5 years, in 2 years, in 6 months.

He will not leave me alone. Even though everything seems uncertain, He will not leave me or forsake me. I am His, and He is mine. He knows me. And if He knows me so well, he knows what will happen tomorrow, and the next day, and 2 years and 5 years from now. He knows it all.

And He knows the plans He has for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. (Jer 29:11, changes mine)

Oh, Lord, may I have hope. Save me from this dread of missing you.