Saturday, April 23, 2011

my lovely child

oh how i love my beautiful son.

He sings and sings and sings, and now has begun to echo sing with me, just as my kindergarten students learn to do and he is so dead on in pitch and rhythm and joy in learning to communicate and feel through song.

He presses against me and watches my eyes and runs into me and bear-kisses my face and hugs my arm and squishes into my face during the early morning hours when I'd almost rather be sleeping, but am instead finding myself grateful for his innocent joy at being near me, yet again, for another day.

His growing appetite lately, where he is suddenly the last one to want to leave the dinner table, the toddler-type of picky eater turned into the famished boy who helps set the table and then waits expectantly in his chair, wondering why he is not eating yet and then serves himself almost adult portions and eats it all and then asks for an apple an hour later and I look at his feet and his hands and am reminded that I have been given the honor to help grow this child-boy into a man.

His game of contrarian response to any and all requests which can turn on a dime into a teary-eyed apology when the game goes wrong and mama is not in the mood to play and the joyful attitude is broken into insecurity and needing to be assured of my love to wrap his head around the discipline.

He asks for the Easter story again and again, cheering when Jesus is alive and repeating that He died for you and me and wondering what a tomb is and shouting "Hosanna to the King" at any given moment during the day and I am wondering how much he actually understands and remind myself that there is much that I don't actually understand either, but God does and teaches our hearts, even at 3 years old.

He is gentle and risky, loving and needling, messy and particular, friendly-to-a-fault and shyly attached to me at odd times. He was given to me from my God, to a scared, unwilling girl who knew nothing about what I wanted in a family or child, cared little for security in home and relationship, and was unprepared for the toll it has taken on my ego. I had prayed for a change to bring me closer to Him - it came. It came in a tiny bundle who is just perfect for our family, who, indeed, has helped to make us this family, and who God has used to break my unknowingly egotistical will and prideful ideas, mold my desires and needs into His, and grow my capacity to love others and give grace when unheeded.

I know it is not my son who has done this, but God. I am afraid of, and yet pray for again, an increase in my relationship to Him through this next child. May His hand guide our love in this family.

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