Tuesday, December 27, 2011

All is merry and bright

Merry (late) Christmas to you all!

Happy (early) New Year to you all!

We have had a good vacation so far as our little family...getting to spend Christmas with Jon's mom and gram, who brought their 10 year old chocolate lab, Dakota, to spend some time with us as well.

This dog...I remember this dog from before Jon and I were dating and he was a chubby rambunctious puppy...I remember this dog as bullheaded and lovable and pushy about getting into Jon's/anyone's lap even when he weighed close to 90 pounds. I remember this dog as being difficult to control. And now - now he is old and has arthritis in his hips and loves on my babies and is still hairy and stinky and farts in our living room way more often than I think should ever happen...but I don't mind having him around. As long as he behaves himself. :)

Dakota, you smelly mutt.
Why must I smell what's in your butt?
It's a malodorous form of what went in your gut.
I must say that you should cut.

Anyway. Ode to Dakota over.

The kids did remarkably well with Christmas and all it's gluttonous presentry. I was a little (ok, a lot) nervous for Jeremiah, as he gets overwhelmed easy and has actually been on the brink of nervous little panic attacks for a week now, chewing on his shirts and jumping uncontrollably when we're talking to him.

aside: I think the way our culture builds up the excitement at Christmastime can create such crazed, foaming-at-the-mouth for Santa little creatures that it becomes too much for them. More than once at my school did I have students break down in tears over a misplaced pencil/careless word from a friend/you name the inane thing here. My 2nd grade piano student was so overtired during her lesson, she could barely function. It was 4:00 in the afternoon. Jeremiah has had bags under his eyes for weeks.

But, he did very well with all the new items, and seemed to take it all in well. Isaac still took his naps and ate on schedule. We had cinnamon buns from a can for breakfast and roasted pork loin from scratch for lunch. We traveled to my Nana's for more merrymaking, and then went home and I got to watch 3 episodes of Parenthood.

And I cried. About 3 times that day. Only twice during Parenthood episodes.

So, yes, that means that i cried once on Christmas this year. I could blame it on hormones. I could blame it on being overwhelmed. I could blame it on any number of things. But, I've decided to not blame tears on something, but instead accept them as a needed and healthy expression of my emotions.

I cry when I'm sad.
I cry when I'm happy.
I cry when I sing in church.
I cry when I'm angry.
I cry when I pray.
I even cry when i'm excited!

I cry so much, it's ridiculous. I fight being embarrased about it, but it's no use. It's how I operate. That particular day, I was crying for a couple things:

1. One of my first Christmases away from my family. (mom, dad, brother)
2. My first Christmas being "in charge" of everything...and I really didn't want to be. For me, that's no way to really relax.

I have written several times on this blog recently how life is so blessed, so good right now. And ironically, while feeling really blessed, I also feel incredibly inadequate and overwhelmed and unsure of how to handle it all. I have been slowly figuring out what I can take off my plate over the last month, and have succeeded in removing some big things, some small things. All will help with helping me do this job - the homemaking/family job - actually happen, and maybe even happen well. My kids are two very different ages, two very different stages, and need me. I am lucky to have an amazing, caring husband in Jon who is devoted to our family and takes an active part in raising the children and caring for them. But, I realized this month that there are still things that only I can be for Jeremiah. There are still things that only I can be for Isaac. And, there are still things that only I can be for Jon. And it is not fair to them to take those things away, or even lessen my energy towards those things because I am splitting myself between too many hats. Right now, being a wife to Jon, being a mom to Jeremiah, and a mom to Isaac takes up all my time, mostly because I not satisfied with those relationships being on the "to do" list...they need to be active and growing and beautiful representations of Christ and the church. It is not easy but it is good.

And exhausting.

And good.

The only other thing I cannot give up right now is my job. Which, I don't want to give up, really, so that works out. But, boy is it hard to do the teacher thing and the family thing right now. I feel for a while that I have not been doing either very well...simply doing them ok and getting by.

If you are a friend or family member, I humbly ask for your prayers. There is nothing wrong, but I am feeling unpeaceful and plagued by worry and exhaustion. With that comes the desire to despair and give up, even if just for a minute, or a day. I need grace. I need relationship with God more than ever. I know it's a little weird asking for prayer on such a public forum, but I know not many people read this, and I need all the prayer I can get right now!

Hear, O Lord, and answer, I am poor and needy.
Guard my life for I am devoted to you.

May this Holiday season find you all happy and rested. I am getting there, and love and miss you all.

p.s. - sorry for my awful poem about the dog. this is what happens! please pray for me! :)

1 comment:

sarah marie said...

it was my first Christmas being "in charge," too... I don't have two little ones to care for but I did have the inlaws here, and felt a lot of pressure to make Christmas, I don't know, "Christmassy" enough for everyone. It's a lot of responsibility... so different from how you experience Christmas as a kid, isn't it?