Tuesday, January 10, 2012

devotion...or lack of.

Yet again, I am humbled. I have known for a long time that I need to stop and set a time for my Lord. A daily time. No, not a devotional time...I think that term has become a little cliche in our Christian culture. But a time for true soul feeding. I read somewhere that prayer is more important than food because the soul is more important than the body? If that's true...and I believe it is...than I am starving and on death's door. How did I get this way? When did my thirst for my God become a nice thought instead of desperation? When I let myself remember who I am, who I am created to be, who I am created to be in His image...

I am floored that I am so content to go about my day without communion with Him. There are many little moments, when I feel overwhelmed or just...like a shadow of who I am, when I hear the whisper of "lay down your burden and let Me give you rest."

"Oh, Lord. I'm so sorry. But, it's just, you know, the baby is actually asleep and I really would like to mop the floor at least once this month."


I feel the tide turn in my innermost, and understand my depravity, and crave the grace.

"Lord Jesus, I am not ready to come to You. I am too far gone...I don't know how to pray anymore."

He tells me through friends unwitting comments, through coworkers tired and hopeless workings, through my babies intense needs and innocent wants, that I am His and He is enough, and that has to be enough.

Because me, with all my trying and working and hustling and worrying and crying and sweeping and dusting and talking and cooking and doing...will never be enough to bring me like Mary to the feet of my Savior. All that doing will satisfy for a moment, but is ultimately not the soul-drenching goodness that I need to be alive in Christ.

I need that sitting area in my room more than ever. I have been thinking and trying...and things are not working out. My youngest is teething and sick and waking many many times a night, making every morning an extra effort. The beautiful chair I had hoped to bring upstairs for my sitting area doesn't fit up the extremely narrow stairwell. Roadblocks...I need to not let it stop this resolution, because so much more is at stake than failing. It is my withered relationship with God that is in great need of nourishment.

"Lord, forgive my apathy. Forgive my excuses in my post-baby stupor. I love You and your word...I ask for grace that You would give me desire and ability to make this habit of sitting at Your feet daily a reality."

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