Sunday, February 12, 2012


I have been feeling like shouting:


all day.

I have been finding that there are days every now and then that I feel such an overwhelming sense of how unaccomplished, how guilty, how vain, how selfish, how insufficient, how unknowledgable, how lazy, how inadequate a person I am, that I am tempted to give it all up and leave.

For where, I don't know. But I do know that I long for heaven and it's apparant worry-free life more on those days.

Why has God given me so much to do!?! Has He actually given me all this? Have I mistakenly taken on too much? Is my mind and soul just incapable of holding all of this together?

Is that even a correct way to think about this?

I even recently talked about how I'm letting things go so I can focus on the important things. Well, maybe I've let go of some, but I still feel like I'm doing a pretty poor job of what I'm still in charge of here. It seems, at least in my eyes, that everywhere I look, I am not enough.

Really, everyone has lots to do, lots to be. How do we do it well? I need to:

- be a mother to Isaac.
- be a mother to Jeremiah.
- be a wife to Jon.
- keep a home running.
- teach 300 kids a week how to "do" music.
- sleep, eat, and generally keep myself healthy.
- be in relationship with friends
- be in relationship with family
- be in relationship with God.

I find that there is just not enough of me to go around. I am doing such a poor job of so many of these things...and I am finding that I am not the sort to cling tighter to what control I have, but to miserably admit failure and wallow in it.

Ugh...not a pretty sight to behold. And, not surprisingly, makes all the above listed things worse.

So, I've been thinking all these things, praying through my strained emotions to God, trying to release the guilt, when I read this:

“Because Jesus was strong for me, I am free to be weak;
because Jesus won for me, I am free to lose;
because Jesus was someone, I am free to be no one;
because Jesus was extraordinary, I am free to be ordinary;
because Jesus succeeded for me, I am free to fail.” -Tullian Tchividjian

Thank you, Jesus.

I especially like the line about being free to be no one. I fight feeling like I need to be noticed, and extraordinary, and liked by all...but it is simply ok if I am nobody special at all to anyone in particular...because my approval is in Christ. He loved me and loves me enough to call me His own. Praise God.

And may I remember that all this striving is in vain unless done in Christ's power.

- My babies are not my own - they are His and He has given me the privilege and responsibility to raise them. He could take them at any time and they are His.

- My husband is one in flesh with me and yet I fight the communion so often. I desire acknowledgment for my efforts, my desires, me, my, mine. But there is no me. And it's good. Great actually, when I put aside my ego and realize who God created us to be for Him. So hard, so anti-cultural...but good when realized rightly.

- this house. oy, this house. How to make a house a home? It is the relationship inside that matters, not the dust. Not the clutter everywhere (and I do mean...everywhere). My security in Christ speaks volumes to my family. He will make the house a home if I allow Him in.

- Teaching is a joy and a curse sometimes. I love music but I hate having to be in a world where there is such striving for more more more knowledge, better techniques, more efficient analytical technology and training training training. I very much understand the reasoning behind the education to teach, but sometimes it overwhelmes my un-perfectionist spirit and crushes my desire to give music for fear of assumed failure in their eyes. But...

because Jesus was extraordinary, I am free to be ordinary;

even in my secular teaching job where I am not allowed to even tiptoe around His precious name for admins fearing parental scrutiny. I do not need to do the best, simply strive to do my best.

- I have been taking steps to regain my health and happiness from a bodily's amazing what you forget to do when children take over your brain. I never meant for it to happen, but you find yourself eating goldfish for lunch and not peeing for the entire day because the kids "need you every second". But, that's the guilt talking. So, I have been treating my basic health needs as equal to theirs...and it has been better. God has released me from the fear of being a bad mother because I need to take care of myself.

- my family, friends, my God. To be in relationship is one of the hardest things I do. I desire to retreat when I am feeling crummy, overwhelmed, or ashamed. I want alone time when I've been tugged at, talked at, and brain picked all day. I don't want to ask how people are. I don't want to invest in relationship with loved ones...and yet God has placed in my life such extraordinary gifts of family and friends who know me so well, and are trying to get to know me better, despite my introverted tendencies. It's ok if I disappoint them. I fear I do all too often with my snubs of their offered time and apathy in inviting them into my time. God has accepted me anyway, and I should trust that these beloved people will too. And just trust that being "myself" - whatever that is - with all its spacy, awkward, unclean, ratty nature -

is enough. Because Jesus is.

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