Sunday, March 11, 2012

baby baby

Hello again.

I have taken an unexpected "vacation" this week - a.k.a. my littlest boy was in the hospital with pneumonia so I needed to cancel everything on my agenda for the week and help him.  It was scary, humbling, wonder-filled, exhausting, and amazing all at once.  How nice to have sudden stillness amidst lots of things happening!  I was really struck by the duplicity of how awful, yet how wonderful it was to have that time in the hospital.

Awful because my baby couldn't breathe.  I mean, really, he was in a really bad way.  I, having no experience with this, probably should have brought him in sooner, but wasn't completely sure until he had a fever that really bad things might be happening.  Here was the timeline, just so you don't think I'm the first recipient in line for "worst mother of the year":

Friday: baby has a cough, which is mild by morning and moderate by evening.  No temp, nothing else going on.  He is happy and playing, eating well.

Friday night: baby has worse cough, a hacking sort of sound on occasion, which is accompanied by some wheezing after such a crazy cough attack.  He is able to sleep with tylenol.

Saturday: my primary care office has one office open, so I call and bring him in at 11am.  The doc listens, takes temp, gives him a nebulizer treatment (breathing treatment with mild steroids if you don't know what that is - I didn't!) and listens again.  He seems to be responding to it, so he prescribes me my own machine and medicine to administer every 4-6 hours, and I bring him home.

Saturday night: bad, bad night.  Up every hour or two, panicking because baby can't breathe.  Scary and sad, but keep giving the breathing treatment and he recovers.  Trouble is, I've been needing to give it to him every 2 hours.  Oh, and it makes his heart rate go up slightly (nice side effect, right?) so he has trouble sleeping after he can breathe.  Baby can't win.

Sunday morning: I decide to take him to emergency.  He is not ok, and now is wheezing constantly, even after his treatments.  Fever of 101 and climbing.  I leave at 7:30 am.

So, I was trying!  Why, oh why do my babies always get sick on weekends?  Seriously...all our hardcore illness is on days when the doctor is not open.

Anyway, we get there and are admitted almost immediately, and h.e is given a room and is put on oxygen and an IV and antibiotics and and and.  And he is finally able to breathe and sleep.  Very scary.  Awful.  And - my husband was gone on a retreat all weekend, so I was unable to reach him to let him know what was happening.  Luckily, my mother-in-law was here for the weekend, so she was able to take care of my older son, who, I'm sure was a bit of a wreck by that night when I hadn't returned.

We ended up staying through tuesday afternoon, when he could breathe on his own.  He is still on antibiotics and breathing treatments, but he is getting much better.

So, awful, right?  But there was a definite upside.  Ready for it?

It was the only time in recent memory that I felt like I was able to relax and things would get taken care of.

Weird, I know.  But, I spend my days trying to get 200% of things done between my job at school and my job at home and then other miscellaneous things get whatever I can give them, which isn't much.  But to just....cut loose those things because my baby was so dreadfully sick, and sorry, they're just not as important was so...freeing.  Even the fact that I only had one baby to take care of was a welcome break.  I love my older son to death, but he is a whole 'nother set of needs and worries that can make me crazy with how inadequate I am if I let it.  Not his fault, but hard for me to give myself grace.

My only job while in the hospital was to nurse my baby, sleep, and help him sleep.  And eat.  Wow, did I eat.  The hospital food was really not that bad, and I ate, um, WAY too much of it.  And what made it sweeter was I. Didn't. Have. To. Cook.  (or clean up! yay!)

It really made me thing a lot about things I've already wrote a bit about here, but I'll keep pondering it.  Life is not easy to navigate with young children.  They don't tend to fit schedules very well, and at these young ages, need a LOT.  I am only working part-time, but I am finding that it seems to be too much right now.  I feel I am not doing my job well.  And my kids get the dregs of me on those days, and I need a day of recovery.  I have never wished for this until now, but...

I wish I could just stay home and raise my kids.

There - I said it.  I don't think I am the stay-at-home type, but I think I could be for this time of our family life.  It takes a lot of guts to stay home and run things.  My kids really need me home right now, and it kills me that I have anything that takes me away from them.

I love my job.  I love so much about it, and would be real hesitant to give it up.  But...God gave it to me at the perfect time, and I can genuinely feel that He is moving my heart to other things in the near future.  I am trusting that when the time comes, He will provide the next step, whether it makes sense to those around me or not.

So, rambly-ambly post.  But, there it is.  Hope you all have a pleasant week!


~Me said...

I can relate to the agony I hear in your words about wanting to stay at home with your babies. I too never thought I would have the desire to be a SAHM, but it came... I also know the difficulty of trying to face living in your area with a single income. For us, that was an impossible dream. Obviously, we couldn't stay. We hate the fact that we had to leave, but God opened doors for us to do so. Much in the same way, God opened that door for you with your part time job. I know it's hard. I know it's stressful. I know it leaves you feeling inadequate, but you are caring for your family in a way that you must, given your current situation. You need to remember, that while time away from your kiddos is painful, you are providing for them in a necessary way. You need to find comfort in the fact that, while you are away from your babies during your work hours, you can be home with them more than someone with a part time job. You might also need to give up some of the things you are still clinging to for your personal pleasure to allow yourself to feel like a better mom/wife. I know this is a painful realization. I struggle with this on and off consistently. I have trouble being willing to give up things that are enjoyable for me to "just stay at home in the evenings to be with the family." I always swore up and down that having kids would NOT cause me to give up myself...but as your kids grow (and multiply) ;) your version of "you" changes...and some of your "pre-mom" activities might need to be given up for the time being... That is a PAINFUL pill to swallow...but in the end it might leave you feeling more "adequate" in regards to fulfilling your family's needs. ...this is all just IMHO.... but I was basically starting this response to let you know you're not alone and I feel your pain in the constant stress of balancing "mom" you and "self" you ...and being shocked at feeling that you really want to be a SAHM. I've been doing it for 2 years next month and still can't believe how incredibly happy I am doing it...NEVER would have imagined it would be me with 5 kids in the house to make it work...but I'm happy ;) Hope you find your happy soon...

SingingTeacher said...

Thanks, Joy! I remember when you went through the same's so hard to give things up! I really do feel like God is leading me to stay at home, so I feel pretty at peace with it happening sometime soon, probably whenever the next baby comes along! :)

Regarding giving up my own stuff I'm doing tho, I assume you're talking about my singing gigs...I didn't mean for this post to comment on that. I do feel that that is something that I have felt led to cut back on it in the past, and have given up quite a lot of it for practicality's sake, but God has been bringing that back into my life more recently and actually blessing it beyond what I thought possible at this time of my life! So, I am going to stick with it for now. I truly don't feel those interfere too much, as they are mostly evening things. It's just my stinking wonderful but time-consuming job that is the issue at hand right now! :)

Hopefully time and prayer will show Jon and I the direction we need to turn. Thanks for the encouragement and prayers!

~Me said...

Oh I didn't mean giving up on your singing was just a commentary on my opinions and how I had to deal with things...not saying I think you should do the same and not singling out anything at all...just thoughts really. I'm SO glad that you feel like you've been able to keep some singing gigs. It's hard to find a "happy medium" between sacrificing for your family while still staying sane/happy/content enough to not intentionally resent them (not saying you do that, just something I've worried about myself doing in the past).

I hope that you are able to soon reach a good "happy medium" for yourself soon ...whatever it may include ;)

Ab said...

Scary story!! I can't imagine what I would have done in your shoes. I would have been a blubbering mess. It sounds like you handled it beautifully and deserve the mom-of-the-year award!! I hope you've had some better times since then.

It sounds like you are staying strong and having confidence that He will show you the way to take care of your family. Keep it up!! :)