Thursday, May 30, 2013

Recording...if it works?

So, I'm doing something way risky for me today on this little ol' blog: posting a recording of myself.

For anyone who has never heard me sing, this is what I sound like. Not the greatest recording ever, but decent.

(you will hear my coach talking to me at the beginning...it's just a run through)

Decent in recording quality, but also in my singing technique, in my humble opinion.  I've had a few breakthroughs in the last year or so, which just make my singing feel more consistent than it has been so far in my life.

The "not great" part is, unfortunately, the end.  The final big high note at the end is....Blech.  (and even a couple of the same high note earlier in the piece.  It's a high B.)

And the reason I am still posting this recording, is because I think the deficient high notes are largely due to this pregnancy.  I have NEVER ever had a problem reaching this note, or even feeling any sort of tension or anxiety with a high B, or even the C above it...and since being pregnant, this part of the aria is giving me the MOST trouble. 

It makes me quite anxious for the 10th anniversary concert tomorrow night and sunday afternoon! 

I have been trying everything I know how to make this note feel better...but it just sits in a different space right now and I can't support it enough and I can't open enough and it just is what it is.  Everything else feels great...just not the end.  Which is an unfortunate way to end an aria, don't you think?  :)

Ironically, instead of bemoaning it and obsessing and becoming morosely insecure as I usually do, I am trying to focus on what I can do well at the moment, which is the rest of the aria and the acting.  I really do believe the high notes will come back...but probably not until after this little girl is born.  Not only is she apparently taking my beauty, she's taking my high notes, too!

This is going to be a great show.  Many, many amazing singers will be performing.  Please consider coming!  

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

The girl and the future.

So.

We found out we're having a little girl!

To be honest, I wasn't surprised. This pregnancy has been different than the previous two...feeling sicker more frequently, breaking out, dry hair (isn't there an old wives tale about girls taking their mother's beauty?)

But, although I had been telling people that having a girl would scare me a bit, I was surprised how much I was unnerved by the actual fact that I have a little girl to arrive in about 5 months.

And then raise in this sex-crazed, moral-less American culture. Lord, have mercy.

It really, really makes me nervous. Something about raising boys feels easier, and I realized that it may be because I put the real gist of the boys' modeling on Jon - this seems natural that the father would be the real catalyst for his sons' maturity.

Whereas raising a girl puts a lot more on me. (I hope I hope I hope that I will look back on this post years from now and shake my head at my ignorant stereotyping and naive parenting.) I don't consider myself a girly girl, and I don't really consider myself a great communicator of emotional/social...stuff. (see what I mean?) And, isn't that some of what girls need?

The one thing I am sure of is that God doesn't give us more than He knows we can handle...or maybe to put it another way (as I've come to think of it), He gives us the knowledge along the way that we really can't handle it without Him...as I've been slowly and stubbornly conceding over the last year.

Good thing He is patient and good. He sure is not safe, but He is definitely good. This little girl coming has already been forcing thoughts forward about God's leading that have been ruminating in my heart the past half year or so: Should I stay home? Is that even possible? Should the fact that I think it's more important to fully invest in the wife and mother role at this time override the fact that we possibly won't have enough money to get by?

Does it matter what I think is possible if I'm trusting that God will provide?

How do I trust God to take care of us if we don't have enough money?

How do I NOT trust Him at this point when He has so obviously and providentially taken care of us every step of this seminary journey so far?

Prayers all around would be appreciated, folks. I desperately want to be wise...but not necessarily according to the world's ways. But I am afraid of so much that I don't tend to admit to anyone, even myself, sometimes.

Yet, I think I would be okay with looking like I fool if I am in communion with my Lord.

Isn't that why it's called a leap of faith?

Monday, May 13, 2013

A world of ladders

This hit home for me today.

"There's always part of you that wonders if anything you do matters enough."

Read here.