Friday, October 31, 2014

grace

Life is going by very fast these days.

I blink and it's the end of October and Jeremiah is practically 5 feet tall and eats more at dinner than Jon and Isaac is not far behind and oh my word how are we going to feed these children on a pastor's and teacher's salary?

There were only 3 meltdowns by our middle son today - 2 of them somewhat warranted, with the wounds from elastic bands and pavement to prove it. The other one could have been avoided if I had realized it had been about 4 hours since he last ate anything of substance. After the outburst, grab a couple spoonfuls of the lunch I left out on the counter that he refused to eat and make him eat it because this is why you are crying, my son - please eat!

I vacillate between survival mode and callousness some days, while desperately wanting to live in every moment but afraid of what I will see of myself if I do. Today, I saw a beggar who is trying to be something but can't and wants to be accepted but is criticized and fails miserably at putting on a public face when teaching friends out of her home.

I love that I am home, teaching what I am skilled at, and able to give to my husband and children by holding down the fort.

I don't love that I take so much personally that isn't meant to be so, and feel boxed in at times, and have a tendency toward melancholy as winter approaches.

I so wish I could constantly be salt and light and never worry about pleasing everyone but still have assurance of everyone loving me.

Ah, the warring nature within ourselves. Delightful.

Friends and Family, I ask for grace. I feel like I am supposed to be an adult who has three kids and and a husband of almost ten years and a budget and meal plans and she-knows-what-she's-doing and did-I-feed-the-baby-this-morning? and why-does-anyone-trust-me-to-do-anything...I feel just as lost as ever sometimes, just with larger stakes on the line.

I ask for grace as I interact with you and maybe don't seem as connected as you might want. I ask for love when I am unlovely and selfish. I ask for you to treat me as I do not deserve, but so desperately need. I ask for you to be Jesus to me. It is becoming hard to focus my eyes on him when in the trenches of family life, feeling my way through this wonderful, blessed life. I know He extends to me His burden in exchange for mine, but I still amazingly am foolish enough to try to shoulder my own out of guilt that our culture tells me to just handle it, already.

But, I can't.

No, nothing is catastrophically wrong. We are, in all things, primarily doing well as a family unit. It is just good to admit how much grace I need sometimes. I get tired of trying to do it all. I get tired of trying to do it, any of it. I get tired of trying.

Thank God for Jesus. Thank you, Jesus, for loving us where we are at and being pleased to move us from there as You see fit. And thank you for showing grace when we need it most.

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. - John 16:33

1 comment:

Ab said...

I'm feelin' ya. I have had a lot of the "I'm not good enoughs" lately, along with the "I'm tired of tryings", too.

I sometimes find I need to focus on what I *did* do in a day (which is usually a lot more than I feel like I did!) rather than on the overwhelming amount of things I didn't get to, or the things I messed up on, or didn't do as perfectly as I would like.

I bet you are doing better than you think, too :) I know your kids and hubby appreciate and love you so much.

Anyway... praying for you!!!