Wednesday, February 25, 2015

God wants you!

So, being a mother of three and wife to a seminarian and working out of the home is HARD. There is no other way around it. It is hard and frustrating. It is also rewarding and fulfilling. But sometimes, it is hard to get past the point of seeing the hard and frustrating. And I don't know about you, but sometimes I get into a stage of not-so-rosy-colored-glasses days. It becomes so easy to indulge in self-pity and the comforting self-talk of others' problems making my own. It makes me feel so much better about how much work I'm doing and how I'm just so under-appreciated and how could I possibly be hard on myself when no one else I know is doing the things I am doing?

mom, how could I possibly make life hard for you?
My cuteness cancels it all out, don't you know?

The problem is, comparison is an ugly game.

I end up feeling better for a short amount of time, but then needing the self-talk soon enough again.

We women do that, don't we? We compare haircuts, fashion statements, laughs, attitudes, work history, reactions, prejudices, kids, shoe size, spouses, spiritual walks...

Sometimes it's innocent enough...little comments with a best friend about the stranger walking by ("ooo, I wish I could wear that!" "my hips would never fit in that style of skirt"). And sometimes it's judgmental...thoughts about that 4 year old kid in nursery who cries/screams very obviously for his mom until she comes and he calms right down ("well, if she didn't cater to that behavior, it wouldn't happen!")

sometimes a child's behavior is SO much more than just a parent's prior reactions to it...
...we should err on giving a little (a lot?) of grace with parents
But really.

What does all the comparison talk, whether to tear ourselves down or build us up, do?  What does it DO? It sets us against each other, and against God. It gives us a reason to think we are all-knowing and prideful, or a reason to doubt God's good creating of us exactly the way we are.

I happen to be a fairly insecure person who many folks read as very secure. When they tell me this, I'm not always sure how or why that happens, but I think it is because, in recent years, I've become more secure in God's knowledge of me. I don't always trust Him as I should, I don't always like what He puts in my path...but I do trust that He knows me and has created me and has put people in my life to help me become more His.

the many moods of J - , er...Despina

This has been, and continues to be, a work in progress. I go through many, many days of insecurity and taking my eyes off Christ and noodling around wondering if anything I am doing is making any sort of a difference to anybody and WHY am I even here. Especially since quitting my job and starting this First Steps business, and having three kids who, really are pretty terrible on my self-esteem (need to be knocked down a few pegs? Have a few kids and you'll never recover...ha!) is tough!!

So, anyway. This post is a little reminder to myself to not fall into that trap of comparison. The only one I should be comparing to is Jesus, and well...that's really no comparison. But rather than throw myself in the mud (or growing pile of dirty dishes) in despair, He reaches out to show me my value as His. Regardless of what I do or how I do it or how much I do. We think it's important - but He doesn't. He just wants us.

ok, so this still makes it seem like God wants something from you...but I thought it was funny.

If you see me in the depths of despair some days...feel free to speak this truth to me. I don't want the "oh, you are doing just fine, look at this thing, or that that you're doing..."  That's a nice salve, but I want the true healing truth. I am important because I am God's child, and not because of what I can do or be.

p.s. - don't you love how many italics I used? :)

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